


Past Life Lessons

by way_too_many_fandoms



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Agender Peggy Schuyler - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, College AU, Fluff, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Multi, My First AO3 Post, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Slow Burn, coffee shop AU, foster dad lin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 36,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27265531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/way_too_many_fandoms/pseuds/way_too_many_fandoms
Summary: Andrew Hamilton was a normal kid. Sure there was the hurricane, dozens of foster families, and an overall terrible childhood, but now was his chance to forget all of that. College means a fresh start, that is until your past life comes to haunt you.Aka a Hamilton reincarnation au with a twist.Based off a writing prompt where reincarnation is real and people have a message from their past life.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Maria Reynolds/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Thomas Jefferson/James Madison
Comments: 11
Kudos: 63





	1. Andrew Starts His Day

It had always been there, a phrase on the inside of his wrist. “Cold in my professions warm in my friendships”, a bit lengthy but overall kind hearted. Andrew assumed that it was for an ex lover of his. Maybe a hidden romance in the middle ages or a wife in the 1800s. How wrong he was. 

Andrew had yet to remember his past lives, he was nineteen years old, a late bloomer so to speak. He had met many other reincarnates spanning all throughout the long winding road of history. There was a girl named Jess who had been a nun in the 1600s, Tyler a Roman soldier, and a list that stretched as far as the eye can see. 

Most people were the reincarnation of someone, souls were more finite than the world is led to believe. The souls float from body to body keeping memories from their old lives. Usually during their early teenage years a child will begin to have flashbacks of their pasts, these memories are not always welcome and some must seek therapy because of the horrid things that happened to them in the past.

Andrew didn’t have this though. All he had was a string of words gently placed on his wrist like a tattoo. Every person had a mark, a phrase, maybe even a name on them. It was like the universe giving a little hint, a nudge in the right direction. Andrew never thought much of it. He was too preoccupied with getting to the United States and finding a way to enroll in Columbia. His heart was set on politics for whatever reason. It was as if there was a primal urge inside of him. So Andrew never looked into what his mark was.

If only he did, it was quite easy to find. A phrase in a letter written from one lover to another. 

Andrew spent his days studying, going to debate club, writing. He truly did write as though his life depended on it. Maybe it was a way to forget. Forget about the wretched island he was born on, the hurricane that took everything away, and the nightmares that would never let him sleep. Oh the nightmares.

Trees being bent until they were finally forced to snap. Winds howling through blown open windows. Rain flooding streets and filling his home with water, so much so that he was drowning. He was drowning and he couldn’t get out. The water was flooding in faster and faster. His hands pushed up against the ceiling. Andrew screamed for help and his lungs filled with salty ocean water. 

He awoke with a gasp.

“I’m in New York, its 2020. I fell asleep writing an essay for microeconomics,” it was easier to get out of the head space when he repeated simple facts to himself. It made his mind focus on the present, not drifting away to that island in the Caribbean. 

Andrew wiped his eyes of any stray tears. Something about the nightmare felt different this time. Maybe the clothes weren’t right or the house seemed smaller. Could it have been a lack of lightbulbs? Andrew shook his head. It was only a dream, nothing to look too much into. 

He picked up his phone and checked the time. It read 4:45 A.M. “No use going back to sleep now,” He stood up from his desk chair and walked over to his dresser. He quickly changed into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. It was nearing the middle of the year so many students, and teachers, had given up on trying to look well put together for class.

After changing he walked into the bathroom that he shared with another student. He quickly got ready, not wanting to disturb the guy on the other side of the door. Andrew went about his normal routine, brushing his teeth, washing his face, and trying his best to tie up his hair so that it would finally be out of the way. 

He tried his best to avoid the man on the other side of the door. He had never really seen him, maybe just a passing glance as the other made his way out of the bathroom.

It seemed as though both were content on spending the year never having to interact with each other. The man was rather loud though, sometimes he’d blast music that Andrew had never heard before. The man must have had a lot of friends as there always seemed to be a chatter drifting through the thin wall that separated Andrew from this mystery person.

Of course Andrew had better things to worry about. For him college was all about school work. He didn’t care about the social aspects like the partying and fraternities. He was here for an education, he didn’t spend his entire life saving up for it only to fail out on his first try. 

So he avoided the mystery man. Deep down he did want to know him, maybe just a little. Knowing his name would be a good start. The thought left his head as quick as it came. What was he thinking, the man must not care enough to talk to Andrew since the man has too avoided him all year. There was still an insistent nagging in the back of his head. Maybe this could set off a chain of events. Maybe meeting this mysterious figure will lead him into a life of excitement and joy.

Andrew rubbed his eyes, a last attempt to make the thought disappear for good. What good could come out of it?

Many of the people that Andrew had met over the years weren’t the nicest. Sure there were the occasional few that didn’t feel the need to nitpick at everything he did, but for the most part Andrew never seemed to get along with people. He always managed to get into a fight. The true question was whether or not it would become a physical altercation. Violence wasn’t his go too, unless the other person was being completely insane and the only thing that would put their head straight was a broken nose.

Andrew’s foster parents taught him well. Don’t hit first, hit back. That way if there is any fallout to the situation he immediately can say it was self defense. Of course his foster father Lin still didn’t like it.

Andrew tried to snap out of his thoughts. He could write them down, possibly publish them to a blog he had started as a place to dump his excessive amounts of writing. He did just that and began to work on his next piece. Andrew had hours before his first class started and after the nightmare (was it a nightmare it seemed so unlike the rest) he had he was perfectly okay with not sleeping. 

He relied on coffee and energy drinks to get by. To any normal person this may be seen as “self destructive tendencies”. Andrew always assured his foster parents that he did try to sleep every night.

The key work there being tried. He truly did want to sleep, but between nightmares and schoolwork sometimes it just wasn’t as achievable as everyone makes it out to be.

Here Andrew was at 5 o’clock in the morning, sipping on a redbull, and typing away at his computer. This would normally go on until 7:30 when he had decided that it was finally time to leave for his 8 o’clock class. Today was not normal though because there was a knock on his bathroom door. It seemed as though Andrew was going to finally get to meet the mystery man. 

The knocking continued, and with every hit Andrew’s head hurt a little more.

“I’m coming,” he tried to shout but it didn’t come out very loud. He made his way back over to the door and went to open it. He stopped.

What if this was a trap? What if it’s not the man but someone else? What if the man is actually a deranged serial killer and Andrew is going to be his next victim?

As Andrew’s thoughts spiraled out of control the door opened in front of him. 

“Um hi,” Andrew snapped out of his trance and looked at the person before him. He was tall, many inches taller than Andrew. His curly hair was tied behind him and freckles dotted what seemed to be every spot on his face. 

Andrew didn’t know that the mystery man looked like that.

“Yeah um, hi. I’m John... Uh you left your phone in the bathroom and it wouldn’t stop going off so…. Here you go?” The last part came sounding more like a question than a statement. A blush was slowly starting to grow on Andrew’s cheeks. 

He finally spoke up, trying his best not to embarrass himself in front of this utterly beautiful stranger. “Oh! Thanks, I’m sorry about that, I must not have been paying attention this morning.”

John looked at the phone and back to Andrew. He tried his best to give it to Andrew and not be so awkward about it, at the moment he was failing pretty miserably. 

“I just didn’t want you to completely forget about it. And whoever keeps texting you must be really adamant about reaching you,” as if on cue another notification popped up on his phone. 

Andrew looked down at it, “It’s just my dad.” He didn’t feel like dropping the foster part of that not wanting the scare the guy off.

“So,” John paused for a moment “Do you have a name or am I just going to have to keep calling you cute neighbor in my head?” This guy was smooth, well sort of, Andrew thought to himself. A blush began to creep up his neck.

"Hamilton, Andrew. Andrew Hamilton.” He went to shake John’s hand mentally cursing at himself for being so awkward.

“Hamilton, like the founding father dude?” John asked, something about that made Andrew’s head spin. He wanted to say yes but he had no reason to. He never thought about that before. Sure there were always a couple jokes here and there whenever the man had come up in history class, but he had always just brushed them off.

"Not really, just some family name I guess,” There was an awkward silence again, neither of the two really knowing what to say.

“Right, okay. It was nice getting to meet you Andrew. Hopefully I’ll be seeing your smile again very soon,” with that John walked back to his room leaving a very flustered Andrew. His phone rang again, this time an actual call.

“Lin, my somewhat roommate is actually really cool.”


	2. Lin For The Win

The day flew by, the sole reason for that being Andrew couldn’t focus during any of his classes. He did try his hardest not to think about John and his glowing skin, his curly hair that he just wanted to run his hands through, or his freckles that…

Andrew couldn’t focus. It wasn’t his fault that this handsome stranger had waltzed into his life and stolen his heart right out from under him. 

It didn’t help that he swore to himself that he knew him. Andrew also knew that he had never truly met the other man before but there was just something about him. It was as if he had spent what felt like a lifetime right next to him. They drifted away and Andrew still couldn’t figure out why this stranger felt so welcoming. Thinking about John felt like thinking of home. A place that he just kept on wanting to run back to, it made him feel safe. 

Andrew rarely felt truly and utterly safe. It had taken years but he did feel safe around Lin and Vanessa now. It wasn’t like that at the start at all though. So why did this stranger make Andrew feel as though the world was at ease? His heart raced, but not in the way that would lead to a panic attack. The questions kept piling up. Maybe if he could just get his laptop or even a pen and paper just to write them all down. 

John was one big question, one that could be summed up in one word. Why. If there’s anything Andrew is, it’s dedicated. He was set on solving this mystery. It would have to wait just a few more hours though because he did have plans to meet with Lin.

He had promised that he would spend time with his foster parents at least once a month, if time allowed. It was a way to make sure that Andrew wasn’t mentally deteriorating and so that they could catch up. At first Andrew thought that it was dumb, but, after spending a month only reading textbooks and preparing for exams he found it refreshing.   
That is why Lin had called that morning. He of all people knew that Andrew would work so much that he would forget that he had made plans. It had happened plenty of times before so he knew that he would have to remind Andrew many times before it truly stuck.

This chain of events led Andrew walking down the street on his way to a coffee shop. It was a way that they could meet in the middle so if anything did come up neither would be too far away from their own home. 

Andrew walked at a quick pace, weaving between people crowding the sidewalks. New York was crowded all the time. It was very different then Nevis, there was always more. More people, more noise, more commotion. If anything that is one of the few things that Andrew missed about the island. There was always somewhere you could go to breathe. There wasn’t anything like that in New York City. 

He rounded a corner and was met with the entrance of the shop. It was petite but still had the feeling that it homed something much bigger. There was a warm and welcoming aura that radiated from its doors. As soon as the door opened a rush of warm air flew out. It was very refreshing compared to the chill of mid-October. Andrew walked through the door and saw Lin seated near one of the windows. 

The shop wasn’t too crowded, there were a few people milling about, no doubt getting a coffee before their late night of studying. Andrew went up to make his order. It was nothing special, just a plain black coffee. 

He walked up to the counter and saw the women standing behind it. She had long, flowing black hair that was kept neat in a ponytail. The women looked kind, like someone you could laugh with. Andrew started to order. The women looked up at him, “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

“Hi, could I get one medium black coffee please…” he looked for a nametag “Eliza?” She smiled at him, addressing people by their name just gave the interaction a more friendly tone, in most cases. 

“Why certainly, would that be all?” She had already started writing the direction for the coffee on a cup she had pulled out. 

“Yes, thank you.” Andrew started to turn away before Eliza called him back again.

“And what’s your name?” Eliza asked, a sharpie in hand. 

“Ale… Andrew, yeah Andrew,” he chuckled to himself a little. Where did that come from? His name was Andrew, always had been. Since meeting John everything felt even more off. It didn’t help that the dream he had the night before still went unexplained. What was happening?

Eliza giggled a little, “Alright Andrew, it shouldn’t take long at all.” She turned to hand the cup to somebody else. 

“Thank you,” this time Andrew did actually leave. He made his way over to where his foster father was sitting. He was already prepared for a thorough conversation on the text that he sent earlier that day. Dropping a random sentence like that was almost unheard of from Andrew Hamilton. 

He sat down already regretting ever coming because he saw the smirk on Lin’s face.

“So why is your neighbor suddenly cool?” Lin asked. Andrew wished he could wipe that grin off of his face, he opted instead for being very mature and laying his head down on the table. 

“I met him,” Andrew really didn’t feel like having this conversation. Maybe he did though, maybe Lin would have some magical insight on why John made his life all topsy turvy all of a sudden.

Lin sipped on a coffee that he had ordered earlier. “Well I’ve gathered that, but why has he passed The Andrew Test?” Lin and Vannessa had created what they called The Andrew Test. See Andrew didn’t have the best history with making friends, most of the time they either turned their back on him or there was a fight. There was that paired with the fact that Andrew was a little socially awkward. The Test was basically a nicer way of saying that Andrew hadn’t completely messed up this time.  
Andrew groaned, “He’s kind of cute, maybe. Totally not basing everything off looks.” Lin laughed. As he was enjoying watching Andrew become completely flustered, Andrew’s   
coffee was finished. 

“One medium black coffee for Andrew.” He stood up, possibly a little more aggressively than needed, and made his way over to the counter.  
Eliza handed him his coffee and flashed him a small smile, Andrew tried his best to return it but he was a little confused of why this seemingly random lady was being so nice to him. He thanked her and took the coffee, heading back to his table.

“Are you finally done laughing?” Andrew asked, still a bit annoyed.

Lin’s laughter came to an almost halt, “Possibly,” something on Andrew’s cup caught his eye. “Or maybe not,” he said pointing at the coffee.

“What do you mean?” Andrew looked at the side of the cup that Lin had been pointing to. Written on the cup in neat black numbers was a phone number. Eliza’s phone number. Andrew stared at it dumbfounded, “You have got to be kidding me.” 

Andrew was exasperated, this was not his life right now.

Lin smirked, “Oh mi hijo, it seems as though you have two possible suitors to pick from.” This caused Andrew to become flustered again.

“W-what no, I’m not… It’s probably not even like that,” he crossed his arms in front of him.

“It sure does seem like it, now which one are you going to go after? Are you going to text the girl?” Andrew sat there for a second just looking at the number. He then pulled out his phone to add the number to his contacts. “Well that was quick,” Lin said.

“I don’t want to completely blow her off, besides maybe she just wants to be friends.” Andrew had also sent the normal ‘hey this is Andrew thanks’ or whatever. He took a sip of his coffee. It burned the tip of his tongue but it tasted fantastic, he was definitely coming back here.

“Back to the subject at hand, your neighbor.” Andrew sighed, there was no way the subject was going to be ignored. 

“This morning I woke up from a nightmare and went to get ready in the bathroom. I forgot my phone and you kept texting me so I guess it may have woken John up. He returned it to me and that’s all.” Andrew wanted this conversation to be short and concise. He didn’t want to even begin to think about all the ways this could spiral farther.

Lin looked unimpressed, “There is definitely more to that, no way did a simple interaction like that happen and you thought that you had to tell me about it.”  
Andrew felt conflicted, on one hand he could lie but doing that made him feel really bad. On the other hand he could tell Lin what John had said and totally risk being embarrassed for the next few weeks. Hopefully that’s as far as it will go. 

“He may have calledmecuteandsaidhewantedtoseemysmileagain,” Andrew said in a very rushed mumble. 

Lin smirked again, it was starting to get on Andrew’s nerve. “I said he may, or maynot, have called me cute and said he wanted to see my smile again.” Andrew’s blush came back, at least this time it wasn’t as bad as when he was actually with John.

“Oh oh ohhhh, he for sure said that,” Lin was getting a laugh out of this for sure. “The real question is how did you respond?”

Andrew looked down at his hands that were folded in his lap, “I didn’t say anything.”

Lin’s eyebrows shot up, “You didn’t say anything! Andrew, mi hijo, you poor innocent soul. Why not?”

Andrew scratched the back of his neck, feeling a little embarrassed, “I was a little out of it and I wasn’t expecting him to say that.” 

“You need to meet with him again,” Lin said, leaning over the table a little. 

“I was sort of hoping that I would be able to meet him again, he seemed really nice and all.” Andrew was thinking about how he would go about that. He didn’t feel confident enough with knocking on John’s door, but really what was the other option. Wait until John finally decided to show his freckled face again?

“You better or else I’ll find a way to make you talk to him.”

That was the end of the John conversation, for the most part. The rest of the next few hours was very typical. Asking about school, his classes, making sure Andrew was eating and sleeping enough. Whenever the conversation would take a turn to a certain boy Andrew would try his best to find a way out. 

Those hours felt like some of the longest in his life.


	3. Hey It's Eliza

A week and a half had passed. A week and a half with no sign of John at all.

It seemed as though he was ignoring Andrew just like before, or maybe it was Andrew trying his hardest to stay as far away from John as he possibly could. He was scared, scared that more “memories” would resurface and that would mean more nightmares. More nightmares meant less sleep which meant more time to think about said nightmares and.... He was spiraling. 

The only exciting thing to happen in those ten dreadful days was Eliza, from the coffee shop, had begun to text him. The two would have a couple conversations a day. At first they were really awkward and Andrew had no clue how to interact with her. After a while though, probably after the week had passed, it felt natural. Some days he’d wake up to a good morning text other times he’d be the one to send it. Talking with Eliza felt natural, maybe too natural. 

He didn’t want to look too much into that though because he was already dealing with the mental freakout of one stranger. Maybe it was harsh to call Eliza a stranger. Sure they hadn’t gotten down into the nitty gritty, let me tell you my entire life story parts of their friendship, but they still talked about friend things. Things like what are you studying, did you have an exam, hey you want to facetime because I have nothing better to do? They were normal things.

It was all a natural progression, meeting John felt very abrupt, commanding attention. While on the other hand meeting Eliza felt like a drifting sea floating from one conversation to the next.

Long story short talking with John was hard, speaking with Eliza was easy.

The women had even told Andrew about her girlfriend Maria. That caused a little panic in Eliza because she didn’t know if Andrew would accept it or not. He did, of course, and Eliza had even shown him pictures of the two of them. 

Maria felt familiar too.

What was with all these strangers and making him feel a sense of déjà vu? It seemed as though every single one he met through his brain in a blender. All of it was causing him quite the headache. 

He pushed through though. Andrew hadn’t been able to make friends in such a long time that he was almost desperate at this point.

He also told Eliza about John, like Lin this was a complete and utter mistake. Eliza had begun to push him to talk to the other man. Mostly it was harmlessly teasing him about John, sometimes it was straight up telling him to talk to the other man. 

Andrew swore to whatever god was out there, please for the love of all that was holy please make this end. Sure Andrew did want to talk to him, it had consumed his every waking moment, but he was so scared. It was like opening up Pandora’s Box, who knew what was going to come out of it.

Maybe it was all just a joke, it was just John’s personality. There were a million reasons that Andrew just couldn’t bring himself to knock on that door. He thought about every single one for hours. He thought about every possible conversation that could happen. You’d think that by now he’d expect anything but Andrew still couldn’t bring himself to knock on that door.

He’d thought about writing a note and leaving it in the bathroom. Something simple with his phone number. But wouldn’t that make it seem like he really wasn’t invested in the possible friendship that could hypothetically happen between John and him.

This led him to another conversation with Eliza.

Andy- Liza how am I supposed to do this

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- i’ve told you a million times, all you have to do it go up and knock

Andy- but isn’t that a little too forward??

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- it would be considered forward if you didn’t wait a whole week

Andy- week and a half….

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- even worse! you need to suck it up and go get your man

Andy- he’s not my man, all i want is to be friends

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- for now ;)

Andy- LIZA! 

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- okay okay chill out hamilton

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- but seriously you need to talk to him. It’s been way too long he might not even think you’re interested

Andy- I knowwww and i’ve thought about that constantly. I’m just scared alright

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- scared of what? rejection, highly unlikely 

Andy- its other stuff

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- whatever you’re scared of you need to get over it if you actually want to end up being friends with this guy 

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- besides he seems really sweet

Andy- he really does, i don’t want to ruin him

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- you won’t ruin him. now do it andrew before i find a way to do it for you

Andy- fine. but if this goes wrong i’m blaming it on you

Eliza (coffee shop girl)- that’s what i expected. now go ;)

Andrew sighed. Three thoughts rushed through his mind and he stood up. One, he really needed to change Eliza’s contact name; two, he couldn’t believe that he was about to do this; and three, what was with Eliza and that freaking winky face.

As he made his way over to the bathroom door his hands began to sweat and his heart beat faster and faster. Why did he think this was a good idea? Every part of his body was saying no, this was a terrible idea. Especially his brain which was currently flashing through every bad thing that could happen. 

He tried to take deep breaths in hopes of finding a way to calm his nerves. Nothing seemed to be working. Every technique that he had ever learned was thrown out the window as he slowly made his way across the small room and to the bathroom. He finally made it after twenty painstakingly slow steps. 

Andrew slowly grabbed onto the door handle and twisted, his guts had also twisted. He opened the door and made his way into the cramped room. He did everything slowly, giving himself ample time to back out of this ridiculous situation. 

Then he made it to John’s door and lifted his hand to knock. He took a deep breath and swallowed. His thoughts were running wild, his hands shaking, everything he had done to prepare for this moment was gone from his mind. It had disappeared the second Andrew decided that today was the day.

He rapped his knuckles on the wooden door in three quick knocks. He paused, his fist still in the air. He heard footsteps get closer and closer to the door until finally the knob started to turn. 

He thought about it, there was still time to run. Still time to get out of this horrid situation that he had forced himself into. He could go back and sit at his desk and write down all of his rapid thoughts and feelings. He could…

“Hey Andrew, nice to finally see you again.” John leaned against the door frame. He did not seem as phased by this encounter as Andrew.

“H-hey John,” Andrew stuttered, he silently swore to himself. “I know it’s been a while but I’m back, ha.” Andrew looked down to his feet. He wanted to look anywhere that wasn’t John because looking at him made this all too real. 

John chuckled, “Yes you are. I was getting worried that I’d never see your cute face again,” Andrew blushed at that. ‘How did this guy get to be so suave’ he thought internally.

“Besides last time we talked I wasn’t able to get your number, I was kind of hoping that maybe this time would be a bit different?” Andrew looked up and met his eyes.  
They were like caramel, there was an outer rim of blue or was it green. Even in the terrible lighting of the bathroom all the different colors were visible. It was as if there were tiny flecks of gold scattered around his iris.

Andrew snapped out of his trance, “Oh uh yeah, I’d love to text you. Do you have your phone on you?” John slipped his phone out of his pants pocket and the two began to exchange numbers. It was a tad bit awkward as neither knew exactly what to say. 

After the exchange was done both just looked at each other, stupid grins across both of their faces. John was, unsurprisingly, the one to break the silence. 

“Do you want to go out sometime, maybe a movie or coffee? Something like that? I would love to get to know all about my cute neighbor.” Andrew was caught off guard, this was not something he expected from this exchange. His eyes lit up at the thought.

“Yeah coffee sounds great, I know this really nice shop that isn’t that far from here.” Andrew went on and on about how wonderful the place was and how much it felt like walking into another world. John smiled through it all, entranced by the way that Andrew was able to paint such a vivid picture with his words. It reminded him of Alexander. The thought made him a little sad. He’d been hoping that this time around Alexander and him would make it work. John was yet to find him.

“It sounds wonderful Andy. How about this Friday. Me and you?”

Andrew was shocked yet again, “Perfect, does 2 work?”

“2 is great, sounds like a date,” With that he smiled and walked back into his dorm room. He didn’t miss the excited squeal that Andrew had made as he too made his way back to his room.

Andrew may not be Alexander but he was nice enough.


	4. Coffee Shop Blues

Okay so maybe deciding to go to that specific coffee shop wasn’t a good idea. 

Andrew had told John all about Liberty Coffee, sounds normal. It’s a small shop with excellent coffee. Why wouldn’t they go there? There was only one small problem with Andrew’s train of thought, it’s the shop where Eliza worked. 

In his anxiety filled rambling Andrew had completely forgotten about the fact that there was a possibility that Eliza would be there when he and John walked in. He had already dealt with her constantly berating him through text messages, he was nowhere near ready to have to deal with all of that face to face. 

Maybe he’d get lucky and Eliza wouldn’t be working, he hadn’t told her exactly where he and John were going for their date. He was able to keep a few secrets. But when had Andrew’s life ever been lucky. Between his father leaving, his mother dying, and being tossed around the United States foster care system for years, Andrew was not known for his luck. 

Of course the Hamilton curse would get even worse the moment he stepped into Liberty Coffee.

It was a chilly October afternoon, the few trees that grew in the city were various shades of oranges and reds. Andrew was bundled up in a hoodie and beanie. He had yet to grow accustomed to the cold, most of his life was spent in the warm Caribbean sun. His hands were stuffed into his pockets as he had forgotten to bring any gloves with his. His breath was ever so slightly visible every time he breathed out and his cheeks and nose had begun to develop a rosy hue. 

Andrew tried his best to walk the couple of blocks as fast as he could. There was no use taking a taxi, he’d spend more money than the ride was worth, so he hustled as quickly as he could. Thankfully the sidewalks weren’t very crowded, not as bad as they were in the summer when tourists were at an all time high. 

Soon enough he stepped right in front of the coffee shop’s doors. He stood there for a moment thinking about how all of this was actually happening. He took a deep breath and walked inside. 

Again the shop was as warm as can be, the smell of roasted coffee wafted around the room. It wasn’t terribly crowded either. Andrew scanned around for any sign of John. He wasn’t there. This caused Andrew to relax a little this meant that he still had time to mentally prepare himself for whatever was to come. 

That was until John decided to walk up behind him. “Hey Andy,” Andrew whipped his head around to look at the man. He too had bundled up, not to the same extent as Andrew but definitely noticeable. 

“Hello John,” Andrew was hyper aware of every single movement he made. Should he shake his hand? Do that weird ‘no homo bro hug’ thing? Thankfully John was still practically sane. He pulled Andrew into a side hug and the two made their way over to the counter. Andrew's wrist began to burn but he tried to ignore it. That couldn't mean anything.

Andrew was surprised at how bold John was. How was he so confident? That was another thing that he wanted to find out. All he truly wanted to do at the moment was lean more into the hug. It was warm and inviting. If being around John felt like home this was like being around his mother again. 

He felt slightly bad for comparing the two, he’d only known John for a week but the man had already consumed his waking days.How does somebody do that, he was able to completely render Andrew speechless with his smile. That smile. It could solve all the world’s problems if only he could see it again.

They stood at the front counter, “Hello, what can I get for you two gentlemen today?” 

Andrew was going to die right on the spot. 

Eliza was standing at the counter and a devilish smirk was draped across her lips. It was almost like she knew that this was happening. Which was impossible because Andrew didn’t tell her that he was coming to the coffee shop. Sure he told her that he had a sort of date, that was it though. No specific details. Nothing. 

“Hey Liza,” John said. He too was smiling, a smile that said that he knew too much. Andrew had no clue why though, he was going to find out no matter what. 

“Well hello to you too John, I’m going to assume that you want your regular order?” Eliza seemed really happy, Andrew was already thinking bad thoughts. What if they were actually interested in each other and he was coming between them?

“That would be great.”

“And why can I get for you Andy?”

Andrew snapped out of his thoughts for a second, “Just a medium black coffee, please.” 

“Coming right up boys,” both of them paid for their drinks and Eliza then went to pass their cups off to another lady. The women had dark curly hair tied up in a high bun. She wore a pink sweater underneath her mandatory blue apron. Andrew wasn’t able to read her name tag. After their coffees were called they went to find a table that was secluded enough so that their conversation would still be private. 

When they sat down Andrew was already smitten by how amazing John looked. His chocolate brown hair was tied behind him in a low ponytail. There were still a few loose curls though that framed his face perfectly. Freckles were splashed across his face. They were like stars that were splayed across his pink cheeks. Stars that Andrew wanted to continue to stare at for all of eternity. He began to imagine all the pictures that he could find in them. Maybe if he did it just right he would find Orion or Delphinus.

Then there were his eyes, by god his eyes. Andrew wanted to know every single story that they had ever witnessed. Did they crinkle at the corners when he smiled, he’d yet to see it. He gazed into the caramel irises, begging for a look at the fantastic mind behind them.

“Are we actually going to talk or are you just going to keep looking?” Andrew realized that he had been staring for quite some time.

He flushed, “Sorry, just caught up in my head some.” He looked down at his coffee. Steam was rising out of the little opening on the lid. 

“Well, that’s alright. So you know Eliza too?” Ah yes the question at hand. Now Andrew could figure out what was going on between them.

“Yeah, we met when I came here before and we kind of started texting,” he didn’t want to say how one of the biggest things that he and Eliza spoke about was John. “How did you meet her?”

John leaned back in his chair some. “Well we sort of met in high school, but you could say we went way back,” that made Andrew raise an eyebrow. “Both of our families are rich so we met through that, I guess.” He rolled his eyes at the rich part. There were so many questions that Andrew wanted to ask from those two sentences. He chose to stare at his coffee again.

“You guys went to the same high school?” Andrew decided to start with some simple questions, he’d find a way to work his way up to some deeper ones as the conversation continued.

John took a sip of his coffee. “Yeah, Eliza and I have a lot of the same friends so we’ve made this group. I’m surprised that we’ve still kept in contact. I guess it does help that we’ve all stayed relatively close, physically at least.”

That provided an explanation for why John’s dorm seemed to be constantly filled with chatter. “Must be nice having a group of friends,” this time it was for Andrew to drink.  
John let out a sad chuckle, “It’s nice, for the most part. There’s always someone that you can lean on.” He paused, carefully thinking about what he was going to say next. “It just sucks because literally everyone has a partner so I’m almost something like the ninth wheel.” He looked down at his coffee, his smile gone. Andrew was going to find a way to get it back.

“Ninth wheel! Imagine having a friend group that big.” This caused John to chuckle and look up at Andrew. He smiled right back.  
John’s smile turned sly, “I take it you don’t get out much?” 

Andrew looked away, out the window that was a few feet away from them. There were people walking past. “I don’t really have friends, so I don’t go out much.”   
“Well we have to fix that don’t we.” 

Andrew turned to look at John again. He was confused. “What are you suggesting?” Andrew was a little scared of what the possibilities could be. He hadn’t had friends in years. He hadn’t had any close friends since he was on the island. A lot of the friends he had there didn’t make it. He tried to push the thought out of his mind.  
“Let me introduce you to the group,” Andrew was a little taken aback. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. 

“And if I say no?”

“You’ll forever live with the fact that you never met some of the awesomest people in the world.”

Andrew laughed, truly laughed. “How can I turn down that offer.” 

The rest of the time spent at the coffee shop was nice. They talked about things like school. Andrew found out that John was an art major even though his dad hated him for it. Henry Laurens wanted John to be something respectable like a doctor or something like that. Andrew told him about Nevis, he didn’t go into much detail about what happened. He did rave on and on about Lin and Vanessa. John was a little surprised at first that Lin Manuel Miranda was this kid's foster dad.

The hour that the tour spent at Liberty Coffee was perfect though.

That was until they left and John started to pull him in another direction. “If you wanted a one night thing I am not your man Laurens.” Andrew felt a shudder run through his spine when John’s last name flew out past his lips. Saying it felt like something he had done a thousand times. Something he’d done years ago. He tried to clear his head of the thought but it was stuck there, a dull ache waiting to flare up again.

“Well, my dear Hamilton, you did agree to meeting my friends,” Andrew’s eyes widened but then he laughed. John Laurens was quite the man, quite the man indeed. His hand on Andrew’s shoulder felt electrifying. It sent energy running all throughout his body. John’s touch was like a drug and all Andrew wanted was another fix.

“Alright, let’s go meet this magic group of friends that you’ve spoken so highly about.” The two walked in the direction of their dormitory hand in hand. “Were you planning on hanging out with all of them after our date?” Andrew asked, it seemed a little odd.

John looked down at him and smiled, “I would want to tell them about how I had met an angel.” Andrew giggled. 

“Honestly John you are so cheesy.”

“Its working though,” and it was. Andrew was drunk off of their relationship. Friendship? It was something. Better not to place too many labels on it so quickly. “Admit it Alexander, you love me.”

Andrew stopped, it felt wrong. Or did it. Yes. No? That dull ache became a full blown headache. “Who’s Alexander?”

John looked so broken when he said that. His eyes filled with a sadness that Andrew never wanted to see ever again. “I’m sorry, you just remind me of someone from a long   
time ago. I hope this doesn’t ruin anything?”

Andrew shook it off, he could still get through this. Besides he liked John and nothing was going to get in the way of that. 

“It’s okay, people get names mixed up all the time. Let’s go meet your friends.” 

John nodded. This time when they walked they weren’t hand in hand.


	5. John's Friends Need Help

Andrew didn’t know what he was expecting. The entire time that he was walking back with John he felt bad. He knew that it wasn’t his fault, his brain was like mush. Andrew didn’t know what was happening and it was scaring him. John’s reaction had just made him feel terrible. 

The sad look that was in his eyes when he turned away. The completely fake smile that he put on just to make Andrew feel better. It was worse when John had tried to put distance between them. All Andrew wanted to do was get closer, but John was making it very obvious that physical touch was not something that he wanted to partake in at the moment. 

To say that the walk back to their dorm room was awkward was an understatement. It was like torture. 

Thankfully it wasn’t a terribly long walk so soon enough they were taking the elevator up to their floor.

When they got to John’s room there were already a few of his friends making themselves at home. John had a lot of friends.

“John! Mon ami (my friend), you didn’t say that ton petit ami (boyfriend) would be showing up.” There was a very tall, very French, person that was walking up to John and Andrew. The latter was blushing at what the person had said, most likely they didn’t expect Andrew to know French. 

“Ay de mí (poor me),” Andrew mumbled under his breath. John really had to go all out, tell everybody about their date. It wasn’t even like they were really dating. One coffee date meant nothing. Right? Maybe it meant more to John and Andrew was a terrible person for writing it off as John just being a nice person. What if he…

“I’m going to assume that you are the wonderful Andrew that we’ve all heard so much about,” all Andrew could do was nod. “D’accord (okay), well I’m Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, but you can just call me Lafayette.” 

“O-okay,” Andrew was getting a little overwhelmed, and this was just one of John’s friends. He didn’t know what he was going to do when he had to meet everybody else.   
Lafayette perked up again, “Also I use they/them pronouns, I hope that is not a problem?”

Andrew shook his head to get rid of his rapid fire thoughts, “No that’s not a problem at all.” He felt like he knew Laf, it was the same feeling he got when he talked to Eliza or John. John was a bit different though, there were a lot of unresolved feelings that came with being around him but it was still weird nonetheless. 

He started to scratch at his wrist, all of a sudden an itch had begun to flare up there. It was weird. All of this was weird, everyone was weird. Who had three first names? Thinking about it, why did those names seem familiar? Maybe it had been something he read before, some blog. That didn’t seem right though. Andrew tried to think as quickly as he could. Not a blog or an online post, not a name on twitter or instagram. Where had he heard that before.

It hit him.

“Marquis de Lafayette.” Everyone in the room seemed to turn to look at him. It was about six people but it felt like so many more.

Laf turned to look at him, “Yes mon ami?” They seemed very confused, Andrew was too.

“I knew I heard that name before. Isn’t that the name of one of the military officers during...Which war was it? The revolutionary war!” Lafayette laughed a little to themselves, Andrew didn’t understand what was so funny.

“You are correct Andrew. Did John not tell you?” He was a little taken aback for a moment. He looked over to John whose face had started to burn with embarrassment. 

Nobody was talking, it was all like they knew an inside joke that Andrew didn’t get. “What are they talking about John?” John didn’t respond, he only played with his hands and stared down at his feet like they were the most interesting things in the world. 

Andrew turned back to Laf who spoke up, “I’m going to assume that he did not. Andrew, we’re reincarnates, all of us.” 

Andrew just stood there. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. All he could do was look around the room filled with people that seemed familiar but he had no good reason to think that. 

He began to panic, he looked to John, “You’re the old John Laurens then.” John nodded, he didn’t speak a word. “Who is everybody else?”

One by one the people in the room began to speak up.

“Hercules Mulligan.” “Peggy Schuyler.” “Angelica Schuyler.” “Theodosia Prevost.” “Aaron Burr.” 

That last name sent Andrew into a daze. Maybe it was another memory, maybe the horrible version of a daydream. Whatever it was, it made Andrew sick. He ran over to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. 

Then he was really sick. He blocked out the pounding on the door from who he could only assume was John. Slowly he got up from the cold tile floor. 

Any warmth and happiness that had been swelling inside of Andrew was gone. He just felt cold and sad. He could just stay on the floor, ignore these people that made his head   
spin. Especially Burr. 

Even thinking his name brought upon another wave of nausea. 

“Andrew please open up, I don’t want you to get hurt. I can help you just have to let me in.” He didn’t want to believe it. Andrew didn’t want to let himself hope that he could be helped anymore. How was John supposed to fix the swirling of his brain? How could he fix the fact that Andrew was beginning to question who he was. 

The door had clicked open, apparently someone learned how to pick locks. 

John walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. “Andrew I’m really sorry, if I knew that any of that was going to happen I wouldn’t have brought you.”   
Andrew was still sitting on the floor, his plan of getting up completely abandoned. He was scratching furiously at his wrist.

“Hey, hey,” John grabbed Andrew’s hands to try to stop him from hurting himself anymore. Andrew looked up to meet his eyes, Andrew’s eyes were red and puffy. Tears threatened to flow out of them. “Is it okay if I hold you,” John knew that it was important to ask permission for these kinds of things. He didn’t want to trigger Andrew all over again.

Andrew nodded his head and John took the smaller man into his arms. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I just wanted to seem like a normal guy and not have to worry about my past life or whatever..” He stopped when he noticed that Andrew wasn’t getting any better. He kept trying to scratch at his wrist. 

John looked down at it, he knew exactly what it was. It was a letter that Alexander had written to him. His Alexander. His mind was a mess all over again. Andrew was his Alexander, they were finally back together after hundreds of years. John snapped out of it when Andrew continued scratching. 

“Andrew, Andy. Look at me please,” he grabbed the other’s wrist and tried to also grab his attention. “Its okay, count with me. One two three,” John kept counting to ten but it didn’t seem like Andrew was getting with the program. 

Slowly he began to mumble something under his breath. It was so faint that John almost couldn’t hear it. Shakily Andrew was also counting, but not in English, “Un d-deux… trois, trois.” John realized that he was speaking in French, thankfully after being around Laf for so long it was something that he had begun to learn. Only simple things but this   
he could do.

“Okay, this is fine, can you count with me. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix. Good let’s do it again,” the counting went on for a few minutes. Slowly but surely Andrew was able to slow his breathing down and stop scratching at his arm. It still burned though. 

John saw that Andrew had stopped his massacre on his wrist and took action before it started up again, “Do you want some bandages?” Andrew nodded, not ready to speak just yet. John stood up to get some from his side of the bathroom. If boy scouts had taught him anything it was ‘always be prepared’.

He sat back down next to Andrew and began to bandage his wrist. It hurt some because the beautiful writing underneath was gone, but, he was hopeful that he would be able to see it again soon enough. When he was done he looked back up at Andrew, who maybe he should start calling him Alexander. Was it too pushy? Maybe he didn’t even realize what this all was.

“Andrew are you alright?” John knew that that was one of the stupidest questions that he could ask at the moment but he really was just hoping that Andrew would say something.

There was a pause, an awkward moment of silence. 

“He shot me,” John was a little taken aback for a second but regained his brain. He really needed to get to the bottom of this. 

“Who did Andy?”

“B-Bu...Please don’t make me say his name.” John was heartbroken. Andrew wasn’t able to say Burr’s name, it was as if he was completely traumatized.   
John took Andrew into his arms, “It’s alright, you don’t have to say his name.” He knew he had to ask the question. “Andrew,” he gulped, “What do you remember?” John was honestly scared at what the answer would be. Andrew could have blocked any memories from his mind as a way of coping with the trauma, he really hoped that that was not the case. 

“I, I remember Eliza.” That stung, “I had a son, lots of kids. There were the Schuyler sisters, those three were always so nice.” John was trying his hardest not to shed a tear. Andrew sounded so terrified with every word that was coming out of his mouth. He just wanted to tell the other man that it was okay. There were good things to remember. He   
felt so selfish for wanting Andrew to remember him. 

“That’s right, those three were some of the kindest people I knew. Still are. Do you remember anything else?” He wanted to hear it.

Andrew paused, “There was the war, it lasted so long. Us four worked together. But you, you…” Tears started to form at the corner of his eyes, John wiped them away when they began to spill out. 

“You didn’t make it back.” 

Now both of them were crying, John was trying his hardest to stay strong. He needed to. Andrew was already so broken up about all of this. John had been through the entire experience before, it was hard thinking about all the terrible things that had happened. But then he had remembered Alexander and it all began to brighten. 

“I’m so sorry, I wish I could have come back to you.” Andrew was openingly sobbing into John’s chest and John was silently crying. He didn’t want Andrew to feel any worse. 

“Do you remember your name?” Typically that was one of the first things that a person remembered, but Alexander was always a surprise.

“Alexander. Alexander Hamilton.” Alex felt so stupid for not realizing sooner. Lin had written an entire musical about his life and he never once remembered. The weight of it felt overwhelming. How could he not recognize all the signs. 

“Alexander, Alex Alex Alex…” John whispered into his ear. It brought upon memories of the two of them huddled together in one of their cots. Whispering sweet nothings and confessions into each other’s ears. If they got caught it would be punishable by death. Alexander was always one to push the limits. 

“My dearest John,” that’s when John broke. Finally hearing those words after centuries of waiting was such a wave of euphoria. “I’m here John, I’m here again.” 

The two stayed like that on the bathroom floor for what felt like hours. Then there was a knock on the door, “If you two are ready some of us would like to use the bathroom?” They two looked into the other’s eyes and they both erupted into laughter. There truly was nothing funny but the joy that they two were feeling was pure ecstasy. They stood up and made their way out. “Ah Alexander, le petit lion, I see you are better.” Alex smiled, he finally felt better. Sure his memories were still messy, thinking of Burr made his stomach spin, and he had no clue where his relationship with John was going, but, he felt better. 

“I do, I feel much better Lafayette.”

Laf scoffed, “Too formal, now please excuse me,” they walked into the bathroom as John and Alex made their way out. 

Alex had no clue what was going to happen when he re-met everybody. He was scared, but he was ready. For the most part. As long as John stayed by his side he could do this.


	6. Alex Gets Nervous

So maybe Alexander couldn’t do this. He had a lot of his memories back, some of them not so great. Some of them made him want to punch a certain francophile in the face. He promised John he wouldn’t.

John. If there was any way that his relationship with the man could get any messier or anymore more confusing this was it. 

On one hand he wanted to start right where they left off before Alexander had chosen to marry Eliza. Alex wanted him so much his heart ached. On the other hand John wasn’t the exact same as he had been before. Sure it was still John, no doubt about that, but he had new memories too. New experiences that Alex never learned of. 

Maybe it was better if they stayed friends for a while, even if Alex yearned to be with him. He was hopeful that they would get together again. The two did go on a date after all. Was it a date? Was it possible that John knew who Alex was and it was all a ploy to get the entire group back together again?

Alex was spiraling. And he was definitely not listening to whatever Peggy was saying. He felt bad for not listening to xem. Yes xem, Peggy didn’t really feel gender this time around so xe used gender neutral pronouns. Would it take some getting used to? Absolutely, but Alex wanted xem to feel comfortable. 

He really tried to listen to what Peggy was saying, truly, but his mind kept drifting. 

“...and so then Eliza was. Alex? Hey dude are you even listening to me?” Peggy waved xyr hand in front of Alex’s face. He snapped out of his daze. 

“Uh yeah, yeah. I’m listening, so what happened next?”

Peggy crossed xyr arms, “You totally weren’t. All you’ve been doing is staring off into space. Is it memories popping up? I know it sucks pretty bad but what are you going to do. Right? So any way Eliza was all like…” Peggy went right back to rambing about some story about xem and xyr sisters.   
Then someone tapped on Alex’s shoulder. 

He immediately flinched, he may or may not have recently gotten diagnosed PTSD who knows, and flipped around to see who it was. Alex regretted that decision. 

“Hello Hamilton.” Standing before Alex was a tall, dark, and completely idiot man.

“Jefferson.” The two stood staring at each other. Nowhere near eye to eye because Jefferson was more than half a foot taller than Alex. 

Peggy saw the two staring and raised xyr eyebrows. “I think I’m just gonna leave this to you two,” with that xe made xyr exit.

“I see you're just as small and dimwitted as you were back in the 1700s.” Alex was seething, but he was trying his best to not act out physically. Nobody ever said anything about verbal abuse.

“You must be really insecure about something if you’re just going to walk up to me out of nowhere and insult my height. At least I can walk through a doorway and not worry about hitting my head on the doorframe.” Of course Jefferson was going to make height jokes Alex was ready to say them right back. The only people aloud to make those himself and possibly John if the time was right. If you couldn’t tell Jefferson was not on that list. 

The two stayed like that for a second, just looking at each other. “Woo, you could cut the tension between you two right now with a knife.” Both of the men turned to the right to see Peggy, slowly clapping. 

They turned back to each other in disgust. “Gross I wouldn’t get with Hamilton if he was the last person on Earth.” 

Alex put his hands on his hips, “Right back at you.” 

The two again stood next to each other, this time both looking away. “What have you been up to?”

Jefferson turned to look at Alex, “Nothing much, going to school like everyone else.” There was another awkward silence that hung over the two. Jefferson sighed, “Okay for now let’s have a truce. No fighting, because Jemmy made me agree that I wouldn’t start a fight on the first day of you having your memories back. And I already know that your boyfriend most likely said the same thing to you.” 

Alex blushed, John and him weren’t dating. Right? “John and I aren’t together, at least not like that.”

Thomas was genuinely surprised at this. With how much John talked about wanting to meet Alexander again he had assumed that when the both of them inevitably did meet that they would just start dating. “Really?”

Alex looked at Jefferson quizzically, “What do you mean?”

Thomas started on his spiel, “Well all John would ever talk about is you. He would spend hours complaining about how he ‘couldn’t believe that the universe was being so cruel’. It wasn’t fun when he got sad drunk and would drone on and on about you in vivid detail. I had to bleach my ears after hearing some of the things he said,” Alex was mortified at that. What things did John say to them? Hopefully nothing too bad. He did always end up spilling some secrets when he was drunk though.

Alex really didn’t know what to think. Should he and John get together? He didn’t want everything to be about the past, this life was just as important as the last. Maybe he’d wait awhile. But what if John didn’t want to be with him after waiting for so long? What if he ended up finding someone else? What if…

“Hamilton! Are you okay?” Jefferson being caring wasn’t something that Alex had really seen before.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. What were you saying?”

Thomas chose to ignore that, it wasn’t his place to but in. “Yeah uh, John just really seemed obsessed with finding you. One time he downloaded Tinder on a whim. I said he should have gotten Gri…” 

“And that’s where that conversation is ending,” John had walked up after hearing his name said so many times. It was possibly a little narcissistic but it was also Jefferson so you could never be too careful.

Alex got flustered all over again, he really couldn’t control it. “H-hey,” he felt stupid and Jefferson was looking at him like he knew how Alex felt and Alex just couldn’t calm down right now. His brain was mush and it was swirling around his skull. 

He felt an arm drape across his shoulder, it was John. “You okay? If you need to we can go back to your room. I know there’s a lot of people here.” And if that didn’t do things to Alex. He wanted to scream at John for being so nice and caring, it was hurting him. He didn’t know what to think or what to say, he didn’t know anything. 

Alex nodded, maybe getting away from all these people would help. John still had his arm around Alex’s shoulder as they made their way over to the bathroom that connected the two rooms. Alex really wanted to lean into the touch but he didn’t want to come off as too strong. Would that be coming off as strong? What if that’s what John wanted and Alex was being cruel by not giving in?

(possible trigger warning)

John opened Alex’s door and led him to his bed. Too fast was all Alex could think. 

He ducked out from under John’s arm and stood up against the wall opposite of the other man. The two stood staring at each other as Alex tried to get his breathing under control. John leading Alex to his bed scared him to no end. He knew that it was John and he wouldn’t try to do anything like that but it was still a possibility.   
“Alex you need to calm down. Just breath in and out.” John didn’t know what was going on. Alex seemed to be holding his own before so why was it all going downhill now?

“C-Ca- Can’t,” Alex stuttered out. 

John took a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare himself. “Lex I know that you can,” he slowly walked over to Alexander. “You have to try okay.”  
Alex’s breath hitched again, “S-st-stop! Get away from me.” John stopped dead in his tracks. He didn’t have the faintest idea of what was happening. 

“Okay, you’re in control of this situation,” John took a few small steps back. 

Alex looked over to his desk. On top of it near his laptop was an orange bottle of pills. He’d forgotten to take his meds.  
John saw Alex looking off to his side and tried to follow his line of vision. Soon enough he saw the pill bottle and looked back at Alex. Their eyes met. “Do you want me to get them?” 

Alex nodded, his throat too closed up to speak. John slowly walked over to the desk. He made sure that Alex could see his every movement and that he had nothing to hide. When John finally got to the desk he picked up the bottle but couldn’t find any water. “Are you going to need anything to drink?”

“No.” Alex sounded so meek and scared, nothing like he used to be. What happened to him? 

(trigger warning over)

John again slowly made his way over to Alex, when he finally got to him he extended his arms Alex immediately grabbed the bottle out of his hand. He dry swallowed a tablet and put the cap back on. 

There was a moment of silence before John spoke up, “What was that?”

“Diazepam.” Alex knew that John was asking what his prescription was but he didn’t want to get into the anxiety attack that had just occurred. “I think you should go.” He felt bad saying it but Alex knew that in about ten minutes he’d be overcome with tiredness because of the diazepam. He didn’t want to be in a place where he didn’t know John’s intentions. 

Alex felt terrible for even thinking about John doing anything but his brain wasn’t behaving at that given time.

“Okay, I’ll just um make my way back.” As soon as John shut the door behind himself Alex moved over to his bed and layed down. 

He dug his phone out of pocket and went to messages. His thumb hovered over John’s name for a moment before he went to call Lin. Alex had a lot to talk about.

“Hey Andy, how’d your date go?”

He could hear the smirk through the phone, “It was good, but I have something really important to tell you.”


	7. Phone Calls Are Hard

Alex wasn’t prepared for this phone call at all. He was scared that he would just fall asleep on the line and not finish talking about whatever he was about to spill to Lin. 

How would Lin react? Hopefully he wouldn’t be mad that Alex didn’t know about this before. Normally kids got this sorted out way before they got to college. Alex thought to himself ‘I should definitely research this mark’. It was one of the few times the thought had even crossed his mind. He thought it would just be something insignificant and nothing to look into. 

But what if it wasn’t? If he really was THE Alexander Hamilton, it must mean something. Right? 

Back to the phone call. Lin had picked up, even though Alex was secretly hoping that he wouldn’t. It would have been so much better if he was just able to leave a voicemail. Why did he even think of calling? Why not leave a text? 

There was no turning back now though because Lin was on the line and Alex had already started with a phrase that nobody wants to hear. Okay maybe not nobody but Lin would definitely know that something was up. 

Who starts a conversation like that, ‘I have something really important to tell you’. That could mean that something detrimental just happened and Alex was losing it.

He was still losing it but not in a terrible way. It wasn’t everyday that you wake up and find out that you’re the reincarnation of a super famous founding father. 

Alex didn’t want to just be known for that. Sure he was Alexander Hamilton but he had still done things in this life to be proud of. Starting with getting off that island and single handedly getting into Columbia. Sort of ironic though isn’t it.

History truly must repeat itself because here he was realizing that this life almost mirrored his past one, well except for the war part. At least he wasn’t fighting in a long and bloody drawn out war. For the most part.

So yeah, he was on the phone with his foster dad about to tell Lin that he was in fact the reincarnation of The Alexander Hamilton. Nothing bad could come out of that. 

“What do you mean,” it was obvious that Lin was nervous and Alex felt somewhat bad for making him feel like that. “You better not tell me you flunked out.” 

It was nice for him to be lighthearted at the moment because Alex felt as though he was about to pass out from pure anxiety. “You know how reincarnation is a thing right?” He wanted to ease into the situation as best as he could. It was almost like coming out all over again, this wasn’t as bad as saying he was bisexual though. 

“Of course not,” here’s where Alex would have to say it. Have to tell him who he really was. He truly hoped that nothing would change between them. 

Alex took a deep breath, “I’m the reincarnation of Alexander Hamilton.” There he said it. 

There was a pause.

And then Lin started laughing. Maybe it was from shock or he didn’t believe Alex, either way it made him feel terrible. What was he thinking of course nobody would take him seriously. Another pause and Lin stopped.

“Wait, Andrew?” Alex took a shaky breath. “You’re not joking are you?”

Alex wanted to cry so hard. He didn’t know what to say or what to do. When it came out of Lin’s mouth it all felt so much more real. He was forced to believe that the last few hours had actually happened and that he was now living a completely different life.

“No, no I’m not joking. I’m sorry.” 

Lin was taken aback by that, “Why would you be sorry? Being a reincarnate is nothing to be ashamed of mi hijo. How did you find out?”

Alex felt a little better, at least he was going to have a place to stay once summer started. He didn’t really want to tell his foster dad about the fact that he found out from a flashback, one that was not so pretty.

“I guess it’s been a gradual process. I um sorta maybe…” he trailed off. Was he really about to tell his father about the super cute guy next door that happened to be his secret lover in his past life? 

“Yes?”

Alex came to accept defeat. Once Lin knew who John was there was no turning back. The man had basically learned the ins and outs of Alex’s past life to make a hit musical.   
There was no hiding his past life, which kind of sucked. 

“You know John right?” This was going to be awkward. 

“Of course, how could I not know about the boy that my son has been raving about,” Lin said sarcastically.   
Alex took another laboring breath, “He’s John Laurens.”

Alex knew exactly when it hit Lin, “The John Laurens?”

“Sadly.”

“And you’re The Alexander Hamilton?”

“Yeah I just told you that,” Alex was getting scared at this point.

“Okay, okay sooooo,” Alex took back anything he said before, this is where it got bad. “Two lovers meet once again.”

He should have expected that one, “DAD! It’s not like that I swear. We’re just friends, no romance or anything.” It did hurt for him to admit that. He really did want a budding relationship with the man but it felt like it would happen too fast. Once he found out he was a reincarnate he was determined to not base his current life off of his past life. The world had changed far too much for that, even if some of the injustices were still there. 

Lin calmed down a bit, “Alright, alright. You definitely didn’t tell me about the fact that you were going on a date with him.”

Alex hated how smug he was, “It wasn’t a date, and if it was, it was three hours ago and one time.” Saying that made him realize how much had happened in such a short amount of time. He had gone on a maybe coffee date with a cute guy, enjoyed said maybe date, met more new people than he could count, discovered he was a reincarnate through PTSD, and was now telling said story of the day to his foster father who could only laugh at his suffering. 

It felt as though it had been days, or maybe even weeks since he had gone on the date. In actuality it had been far less time. Everything seemed that it was simultaneously moving too fast and not fast enough. He didn’t know how he was going to move forward.

Alex was still trying to grasp at the fact that he was a semi-famous reincarnate and there was a group of people that he knew so well. He knew almost everything about them. He had fought side by side with some of them and debated relentlessly with others. At least they seemed nice enough. He didn’t know how long the others had known, they   
were probably normal and didn’t realize when they were nineteen and in college. Alex was so late to figuring everything out. 

“Alex?” 

He snapped out of his thoughts. “Yeah?” The word sounded awkward coming out of his mouth.

He could hear Lin let out a breath on the phone, “Is it alright if I call you that or do you still want to be called Andrew?” Alex was happy that he was being so nice and thoughtful about all of this, even if Lin did tease him some. He didn’t really know though. He had lived his entire life as Andrew Hamilton, not related to Alexander Hamilton. Now here he was with a new name and new memories, both pleasant and others not so much. He did feel like Alex fit quite well, he had almost called himself it often, but at the same time he didn’t want to have to go through the challenge of telling people that already knew him as Andrew that he was actually Alexander. 

He would just slowly tell people, its not as though he knew many. If they called him Andrew he would just correct them. Simple as that. Well it seemed simple but it was most likely a lot harder in practice. “Alex. Alex is good.” 

Such a simple thing to say but it felt like a weight was lifted off of Alex’s chest. 

“Alright Alex, I can get used to that. Do you want me to tell Vanessa for you?” Alex scratched the back of his head, he would have to tell his foster mom too, then there’s the whole situation with his siblings. Luckily they were super young so hopefully the transition wouldn’t mess them up so much.

“Could you? I do want to tell her but there’s a lot of stuff happening.” He didn’t want to worry Lin too much with his panic attacks or flashbacks. 

“Of course, make sure you take care of yourself though mi hijo. I know how hard it is for some people to deal with their past lives. Alright?” He could hear the concern dripping from his voice, but Alex still didn’t want to worry him. Sure stuff happened, maybe just calling it stuff wasn’t good enough, but he could handle it. If he couldn’t handle it alone he now had a group of (maybe) friends who could help him every step of the way. Especially John, he didn’t try to dwell on that too much.

Alex’s eyes started to get droopy and he began to yawn. Of course now his meds would decide to kick in. It’s not like he really needed it ten minutes ago. “Sorry to cut this short but I’m really tired and I should probably sleep.”

“Yes you do,” Alex could practically hear the eyeroll, “Take a nap and make sure that you’re actually well rested for once. Remember that you can call me whenever, especially now. I don’t want you to have to go through this alone Alexander.” That would take some getting used to. So far only his friends (were they?) called him Alex or Alexander. Now he would have the whole world calling him by that name. 

Alex laid down on his bed, “I know, I know. If anything monumental happens I’ll make sure to call you.”

“You better.” 

As the two said their goodbyes Alex felt as though he was about to collapse from exhaustion right on the spot. Right when he hung up he tossed his phone onto his bed and crawled under his new duvet. 

He could deal with all of this, but not before he took a nap. Hopefully when he woke up it would all be better and he could deal with Him.


	8. Alexander Does Some Research

The nap that Alex had decided to take turned more into his actual slumber for the night. When he awoke the next morning he was shocked to find that he had slept for so long. 

Thankfully it was Saturday and he didn’t have any classes, he did need to work on a few essays and other homework assignments but those didn’t matter at the moment.

He needed to research. 

Sure he knew who he was, and had a basic understanding of his past life. His memories were still foggy though, they weren’t as clear as he wanted them to be. Alex would have to read up on himself. Starting of course with the mark.

Deep down he knew it was in some way connected to John, but, that could also be blind hope. Hope that John would see it, recognize it, and act on it. There were still bandages over his wrist so he began to peel them off carefully. He didn’t want to hurt himself anymore and he also wanted to make sure that he searched the exact phrase, nothing more nothing less.

Alex was sure he’d find it. How hard could it be?

So the man tied up his hair and got to work. Then he remembered the day before. He better not forget to take his pills this time. If yesterday was the fallout of only having a few scattered memories resurface what could happen if dozens more came all at once? It was better to not have to deal with the situation again.

So all Alex had to do was google the thing and hundreds of thousands of results came up. He was tempted to just look at images because it was 9 am and he was feeling sluggish, but he wanted to do this right. That meant finding a reputable source and going from there.

What’s a more reputable source then a government archive.

Immediately he found it. A letter between himself and John Laurens from April of 1779. Just reading his own letter made his brain jumble with new memories. Memories that he would need to sort through later. For another time because now Alex was getting to the bottom of this whole mark situation. 

His mind drifted, Alex wondered what kind of mark John had. Was it also a phrase? Was he one of the lucky ones who got their own name? He shook his head, now was not the time to dwell on such things. 

Alexander skimmed through the letter. It had started with his phrase, “Cold in my professions warm in my friendships” but there was far more to it. He read over “my Dear Laurens”. It made Alex’s heart swell with affection. He’d have to see how John would react if Alex called him that now. Or maybe that was overstepping his boundaries and he   
should refrain from saying such words. 

Then he continued to read through the letter, “...be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you.” 

His heart stopped.

It was true. All the feelings that he had were validated in that single sentence. He and John did have a romance before. Alex thought to himself ‘John has to know’. He still didn’t know how long John had known that he was a reincarnate for, but it seemed he knew far longer than Alex had. That would mean that he had more memories, maybe even close to all of them. 

All Alex wanted to do was run to the room that was only twenty paces away and take the man into his arms. Confess his love and pray to all the gods that cared, that John felt the same way. But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t assume that because he knew that John knew. He also couldn’t assume that John would want to repeat that portion of their past lives. They could have been killed before. They still could now, even if the world was much more understanding, and he didn’t want to endanger John. 

It was quite possible that John was straight. Obviously people had changed Lafayette and Peggy were both nonbinary and Eliza had a girlfriend. Maybe John had changed, even though it would be quite a bit different than everyone else. 

Alex wasn’t sure. He also wasn’t sure of himself. He knew that he wanted to be with John but was it only because of what they had before? It seemed wrong, and possibly even terrible, to base an entire relationship off of one that happened over two hundred years ago. Alex wanted to get close to the John that was here now. The one that took him out to coffee the day before and had obnoxiously loud roommates. The John who had unruly curly hair and freckles that seemed to cover every inch of him.

He was getting off track but he had realized his point. He wanted both John’s, even though they both seemed unobtainable. Alexander wanted the John that held him in a crummy tent while the winter winds howled in the night. But he also wanted the John that could text him a picture of a turtle he saw at the zoo at three in the morning. 

The two seemed like completely different people but Alex knew that they were one in the same. He had changed, at least he thought so, between 1776 and now. He had a different upbringing, besides the orphan and hurricane part. John would have changed too. It would have been completely ridiculous to assume that he wouldn’t have.   
It was such a hard thing to simply ponder over.

He imagined being with John, the now John, and what they would do. They could have movie nights and study dates. Alex could rant all about the stupid Twitter threads that he got to immersed in. John would simply laugh at his antics and listen to every word that came out of the other man’s mouth. 

There could be nights when Alex would be awoken by a nightmare and he could make the twenty paces walk to John’s room. Enter and be encircled by his comforting arms. 

Just thinking about the possibilities made him flushed. He was acting like a middle school girl and he hated it. He wanted to stay friends, for now, at least until they got comfortable with each other again and got to know each other’s now lives. But well if Alex didn’t just want to dive right into an overly cheesy relationship. 

He thought about texting Eliza about his moral dilemma but decided against it. She already was a traitor for not telling him she already knew John. Alex wasn’t really that caught up about it but the ‘betrayal’ still hurt a little. 

He didn’t want to call his dad again, that would just be awkward and he didn’t want to interrupt any of his work. 

Alex had nobody that he could turn to, at least not anyone on speed dial. He thought to himself. He could get Peggy or Angelica’s numbers from Eliza, Alex could probably get everybody’s number her. It was more of who he wanted to talk to. Jefferson was obviously out of the question along with Madison. Although the sickly man was kinder than Jefferson. Maria was also another obvious no. It was going to take a while for him to get used to her and Eliza being together, especially after what he had done to her in the past. 

Who else? He could try contacting Hercules and Lafayette. Those two listened to him rant before and he believed that they would still be up for the challenge. 

Before he could decide against it Alex decided to text Eliza to get Laf and Herc’s numbers. It had to be late enough that she would hopefully awake and not completely dead to the world. It seemed like he spent ages looking through all the letters that he could find archived away in the database. 

It was weird that anyone could see these private letters whenever they wanted. They could read the word’s that he had written to John all those centuries ago. Thinking back to certain letters he had written he blushed.

No wonder people thought that he was so promiscuous. 

Alex would have to deal with it though. It wasn’t something that he expected to happen but now he would have to live with the knowledge that people had read them.  
Probably lots of people. A thought hit him - “Oh god,” he said out loud to nobody in particular. He fell back onto the bed and covered his scarlet face. Knowing the amount of research that Lin had put into Hamilton he had probably seen the letters, maybe even that letter. 

The thought made him sick to his stomach. How was he ever supposed to look his father in the eye again? Alex would know that Lin knew, but would Lin ever know that Alex knew he knew? His mind was swimming and none of his thoughts were making any sense. Alex was too embarrassed to form a coherent thought, and he was all alone.   
At least he didn’t decide to research with John, that would have turned out to be a disaster. He imagined the possibility of John rereading the old letters with him. There would be no escaping John’s gaze. 

Did he even like the letters back then? Was he just awkwardly flirting along because he didn’t want to make Alex feel bad about himself? 

This day was not going like he imagined. Not like he had really imagined it that much. For one he had only found out that he was a reincarnate the day before and only decided to do some research that very morning.

Alex’s mind drifted again, he should probably eat. He snapped out of his thoughts once again. Now was not the time he had to get Herc and Laf’s numbers so he could, not so much as interrogate them, but ask the two some questions to the two.

Alex wanted to know all that they remembered. He also wanted to know more about their lives now, and of course how their realization had been. Had it been as sudden as Alex’s? Did they get nightmares about the war? And of course he needed their input on his John Laurens Delema. 

A ding from his phone brought him back to reality. It was a message from Eliza. 

He immediately opened it to see her response, on screen were both of the numbers and a short message. 

Eliza- here you go Alex, make sure you don’t burn yourself out over this. none of us would want you to hurt yourself <3

Alex may have only known the girl for about two weeks or so in this life but he was absolutely smitten. This time it was strictly platonic as his heart was set on another; a tall, handsome, curly haired, freckled man. Even thinking about John made his heart swell with love. 

Was it too early to say love? He pushed the thought away. Today would not end like yesterday, Alex was going to text Lafayette and Hercules and talk to them.

It shouldn’t be hard, he’d done it a million times before. He was only hoping that with all the years of little to no social interaction he hadn’t become too rusty when it came to talking. Hopefully they would understand. 

He quickly thanked Eliza for her generosity and saved both of the numbers. He knew that he would have to text them today before he exploded with anticipation, and anxiety. The quicker he did it the quicker it would be over with.

He made a group chat and sent the first text.

Alexander Hamilton- hey guys, you wanna talk?


	9. Chat With Old Friends

Alexander Hamilton- hey guys, you wanna talk?

There wasn’t a reply for a while. It made Alex a bit worried, what if he was interrupting something or one of them was at work and he was being a complete moron by texting them during the day?

Lafayette- mon ami!!!! there is sooo much to talk about, where do I even begin

Alex let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, at least he’d be able to talk to someone about his problems. Laf should be understanding. Right? He was definitely thinking too much into this and he should probably just reply before it got awkward. 

Hercules Mulligan- laf calm down

Hercules Mulligan- are you doing alright alex?

Not what he wanted to talk about but Alex guessed that he would just have to go along with it. It wasn’t like the day before was amazing. He managed to have two panic attacks in the span of two hours. He was so distressed that he wound up having to sleep the rest of the day away in order to function properly. 

Alexander Hamilton- i’m doing better, trying to figure out some stuff and tie up a few loose ends

Lafayette- fantastique! anything you need we’re right here

Lafayette- and john of course ;)

A blush began to spread across Alex’s face. He knew that the whole point of this was to end up talking about John but with Laf being so blunt about it, it was sort of embarrassing. He didn’t know what to say back. He secretly hoped that someone would change the conversation.

Hercules Mulligan- laf…

Lafayette- wot? 

Lafayette- whatever, these names are boring i’m fixing them

[Lafayette changed Alexander Hamilton’s name to petit lion]

[Lafayette changed Hercules Mulligan’s name to Mulligayn]

[Lafayette changed Lafayette’s name to laffy_taffy]

Mulligayn- okay this is just uncalled for

laffy_taffy- i think it fits pretty well

Alex was a little confused at the names. Sure his made sense, he guessed that Laf’s was kind of a witty pun, but Herc’s… was he right all along? He knew that he should have   
listened to his senses before but now it was just the icing on the rainbow cake. 

petit lion- so what’s with herc’s name 

He was secretly trying to deflect the conversation from himself because he was not ready to talk about John just yet. Alex didn’t think his heart would be able to take it. Thinking about John already made his heart beat ten times faster than any normal human’s should, he didn’t want to test his limits when it wasn’t even noon. 

laffy_taffy- well it is true

laffy_taffy- is it not?

Mulligayn- almost there

laffy_taffy- well trying to make a pun out of pan isn’t so easy love

There it was. Now Alex’s suspicions were confirmed. 

Mulligayn- alex doesn’t get a pun

laffy_taffy- i already had that nickname 200 years ago and i will use it again

laffy_taffy- besides i just kept out names from the other gc it’ll keep everything organized

Alex didn’t know if he should even be surprised at that or not. Given it being the modern day and all of them getting to meet up again it made sense that they would want to stay in touch with each other. A group chat was a good way to do that, at least that’s what Alex had assumed. 

Mulligayn- you’re being offly quiet alex

laffy_taffy- that isn’t quite like you

Alex internally cringed, of course the two would realize how much he was really lurking in the chat. The one that he created. Alex was the one that wanted to talk and he wasn’t really talking all that much.

petit lion- just trying to figure out what to say

It wasn’t a complete lie. He was trying to figure out what he was going to say, he just didn’t want to say it. He’d have to bite the bullet at some point though.

petit lion- well, i wanted to talk about john

laffy_taffy- oooo john i see ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

petit lion- its not like that 

Mulligayn- alex...hun….

laffy_taffy- we’ve been knew

Alex was surprised at how much internet culture Laf was saying. He himself didn’t really go on the internet that much, unless it was “argue” (really it was just honest debating) with people on Twitter. Alex would say that they deserved it until he was on his deathbed. 

petit lion-its not like that

laffy_taffy- …..

Mulligayn- …..

petit lion- so maybe its a bit like that

Alex didn’t know how to address it. Should he be super upfront about the whole ordeal? Laf and Herc didn’t seem to be mad about it. He didn’t know how far he was going to take it. How far he was comfortable with talking about it. 

He did want to tell them everything. Every little detail about their date and how his heart sped up when he looked into the others carmel eyes. Or how John was able to calm him down much easier than anyone else had ever had. Even after years of being with Lin and Vanessa they had never been able to calm him down as quickly as John had. 

laffy_taffy- alex mon cher ami (my dear friend).... spill

Mulligayn- don’t worry we won’t tell john anything

That wasn’t super heartwarming, even though Alex knew deep down that he probably meant it. He trusted them. He didn’t want to but he did. He hadn’t seen them in centuries and they could have been completely different people by now, but, that part of him that was still stuck in the past knew that they would never hurt him. Not intentionally at least. 

petit lion- fine

petit lion- i really like john, like REALLY like him. i just don’t want to make all my decisions based on the past. i want to get to know what john is like now. is that stupid? am i thinking about it too much?

Mulligayn- alexander hamilton that is completely valid

Hercules was pulling out the full name here, Alex knew that he had to be serious then. Who really calls anybody by their full name if they aren’t being serious.

Mulligayn- if you don’t think that you want to be in a relationship right now then don’t. it’s better to be completely comfortable and sure before going in to one than to question everything during it

laffy_taffy- of course, its not as if as soon as me and herc found out we got together

Alex was genuinely surprised. He thought that everybody would just, you know, get right back to what they couldn’t do before. Couldn’t for the most part, hiding was half the fun.

petit lion- you didn’t?

laffy_taffy- god no! it took at least three years

Mulligayn- we were really good friends for a while and then it all sorted itself out from there

Alex felt a bit better with himself after Lafayette and Hercules said that to him. He didn’t need to rush into a relationship. Waiting would probably be his best bet, at least he would be able to sort through his memories before getting into anything too serious with John. 

petit lion- thanks for the encouragement, honestly

petit lion- i was just scared that John might move on before i’d be able to be with him again

laffy_taffy- HA! as if

Mulligayn- that boy hasn’t been able to shut up about seeing you again since he found out who he was

laffy_taffy- and that was five years ago

That sent Alex’s mind for a spin. If John was around Alex’s age than that would put him just around the tail end of the typical period for a kid to realize they were a reincarnate. 

petit lion- how long have you guys known each other?

laffy_taffy- we met john in high school, we were all 15 i believe

That meant that all of them were a year older than Alex. He internally sighed. 

Mulligayn- we were learning about the revolutionary war and I guess this was the first time that he had bothered to pay any attention in class. he heard your name and his eyes lit up

Mulligayn- you’d think that he just heard that he won the lottery or something he was beaming 

laffy_taffy- the teacher was so confused she just stood there asking if he was alright. john was blushing like a tomate. best class everrrr

Now Alex was the one blushing like a tomato all over again. His heart was fluttering too but he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t stop thinking about John being all flustered over ‘learning’ about him. Alex was also a little upset with himself, he had been the one to actually pay attention in class and yet nothing had ever resurfaced. Not a single thing.   
The only time that anything had begun was when he had nightmares, but those were so similar to his normal one’s that he just brushed them off. Then, of course, there was meeting John face to face. That changed things.

Maybe he needed to meet someone from the past so that everything would make sense. At least that’s how he was rationalizing it in his mind. 

Mulligayn- alex

Mulligayn- snap out of your fantasies for one sec. you think you’d be up for joining the gc

laffy_taffy- can you s’il vous plaît (please)

Alex thought it over, on the one hand he’d be able to talk with everybody and possible figure out some more stuff, but on the other he could get overwhelmed again. After what happened the day before he ever wanted to go through that ever again. But he really did want to speak with everyone again. 

laffy_taffy- john will be there ;)

Lafayette was being just as bad Eliza when Alex had texted her before. He understood why but it was getting a tad annoying at this point. Of course John being the chat was a pretty valid reason. He swore to himself that it wasn’t the main factor but Alex was always one to lie to himself. There were plenty of valid reasons for joining the group chat.  
John just happened to be a really, really, good one. 

petit lion- fine

petit lion- but don’t be too obvious with john, what happened here stays here

Mulligayn- of course alex

laffy_taffy- i do not betray mes amis like that who do you think i am 

Before Alex could even think about backtracking with the entire thing he was added to the chat. 

[laffy_taffy added petit lion to Rev Set™]

petit lion- uh hi guys?

God he was so awkward.


	10. Trauma

andPEGGY: f i n a l l y 

petit lion: what do you mean?

laffy_taffy: what xe means is that we’ve had this chat for years without you

francophile: I mean did we really need to add him?

andPEGGY: get outa here with youre correct grammar

francophile: your*

andPEGGY: liza hold me back im boutta throw hands

theniceone: no you are not

theniceone: sit down 

angie: its not like pegs could even get to thomas

petit lion: ewwww imagine calling jefferson by his first name

francophile: You’ll never earn the right Hamilton.

say_no: honestly thomas stop with the grammar its insulting

petit lion: thank you….

petit lion: maria?

say_no: yep

petit lion: i’m sorry about everything that happened before. i was a huge idiot and i should never have done any of that

say_no: first- thank you 

say_no: 2nd- not the one to apologize too

say_no: 3rd- past is in the past hon

theniceone: she got me now alex ;)

petit lion: i am so very sorry liza

theniceone: honestly i’m over it by now

Mulligayn: now that thats over…

laffy_taffy: alexander 

francophile: Must you two always finish each other’s sentences?

Mulligayn: it is what 

laffy_taffy: us couples do :)

francophile: Disgusting.

turtle boi: jefferson it is one word you don’t need to be so proper

francophile: I’ll do whatever I please Laurens.

maddy: I have to agree with them…

francophile: You wound me Jemmy.

maddy: I’m sorry, I’ll take you to that bakery you like?

francophile: ….Forgiven.

petit lion: does someone want to explain that whiplash to me

petit lion: i am v lost rn

a.burr: nobody understands what you are saying alexander

Alex looked at the screen, his hands trembling. It was going so well. Now it was ruined, why did it always get ruined. Better yet why was it that anything to do with Him sent Alex into such a panic. Like Maria said all of that was in the past.

His phone kept going off with notifications, but Alex couldn’t bring himself to look at any of them. He took his medication, he shouldn’t be like this. Alex started scratching at his thighs. Although they were covered in a pair of sweatpants his skin was already starting to burn. He couldn’t stop though.

His phone started to ring. That seemed to break Alex’s trance and he finally looked towards it. 

John was calling him. He didn’t speak much in the chat so Alex really hoped that he was disturbing John. Although John was the one to call Alex so he shouldn’t have felt so bad about John calling him. Should he?

Alex picked up the phone with a shaky hand and answered but not a word could leave his lips. 

“Hey Alex, you doing alright?” John seemed to be so calm, but Alex could hear that hidden concern that he was so well acquainted with. 

John spoke up again after a few moments of silence from Alex. “Okay I’m going to assume that you aren’t. Would it be alright if I came into your room?” Alex didn’t know what he was supposed to say. The words wouldn’t form and he just couldn’t get his mouth to work properly. Then there was a knock on his door and a text message. 

John had hung up and resorted to texting him. He assumed that John had realized that Alex wasn’t very verble at the moment. 

John: is it alright if I come in?

Alex typed his reply slowly with his shaking hands.

Alexander: yeah

Even through text it seemed as though all of Alex’s fight was gone. He seemed so meek and fragile, as if a small gust of wind would send him scurrying. That was nothing like the Alexander Hamilton that John knew. 

John slowly opened the door and closed it behind him, taking small steps over to Alex. He didn’t want to frighten the man anymore. John knew that he needed to diffuse the situation and not make it any worse. 

When he finally got to the bed he asked if he could sit down with Alex, the man just nodded. His head was tucked in between his knees as if he was trying to make himself as small as he possibly could. 

John sat down, “Do you want me to hug you again?” Alex flinched a little at the thought of last time but slowly nodded once again.

John worked his way over to Alex’s side of the bed and wrapped his arms around the smaller man. He seemed too tiny, but John didn’t want to ask any invasive questions. It was obvious that Alex was not in the headspace to deal with such things at the time.

It was most likely only minutes but it felt like hours before Alex was able to say anything. John’s hands rubbed small circles on the other’s shoulder, he whispered sweet nothings into Alex’s ear. Those had worked in the past to calm the man down and it seemed to be working once again.

“Thank you.” It was short, to most people it would seem like nothing, but John knew that even a few words was a good start. 

Alex leaned into the crook of John’s neck, trying to hide himself. “Do you want to talk about it?” Maybe it was too early to be asking such questions. 

“I don’t know what happened.” Alex took a deep breath, “One moment I’m fine but then the next I’m nearly having a panic attack.” He looked up to John, “What’s wrong with me?”

John hugged onto him tighter. “Nothing is wrong with you.”

Alex pulled himself out from John’s grasp and stood up from the bed. “Obviously something is! Normal people don’t get panic attacks because of a memory that they can barely even remember!” Alex was furious for no reason. John was being nice to him, they were getting close but Alex only saw red. 

This time John stood up from the bed, his eyebrows furrowed. “It’s because you have trauma Hamilton.” John’s voice was cold and filled with concealed anger.

Both of them stood in shock and silence. John never called Alex Hamilton, especially in that tone. Alex didn’t know if he wanted to punch John or cry. The man he loved. Maybe he shouldn’t love him anymore. Maybe it was all a mistake.

“Get out.” Alex was stone cold, finger pointed at the door. 

That seemed to pull John out of whatever rage filled haze he had been hit with. “Alex I’m so-”

He was cut off, “I said get out Laurens.” Alex spat out. If John was going to act like he knew everything then so be it. There was a tiny voice in the back of Alex’s head that knew that John was right. He was traumatized, and not only from the past, he knew he wasn’t normal. He took anti-anxiety medication for god sake. 

John realized that this wasn’t a fight that he was going to win. He made his way towards the door, Alex’s eyes following him the entire time. He looked back one more time before closing the door behind him, this time not to comfort who he thought was his friend. 

As soon as John closed the door Alex broke down. He went to his bed and wept as quietly as he could. He didn’t want to disrupt Laurens anymore than he already had. 

(trigger warning)

He scratched at his thighs more and more, he didn’t dare look at them. He was so done with all of it. 

(over)

Done with washed up memories, with being unable to say His name, with being confused all the time. His life had turned upside down in a matter of hours and he didn’t want it. He was happy with being Andrew Hamilton. He had never asked for any of this, especially whatever messed up fallout the universe decided to throw at him now. 

There weren’t any more notifications so either the chat had stopped or his phone had died. Alex tried turning it on and found that he couldn’t. He didn’t care either way, it wasn’t as though he was in the mood to anyway.

It was only about one-ish and he was ready to sleep. 

So he did.

And he kept sleeping. 

He didn’t care to eat anything and he tried his best to avoid the bathroom like the plague. Alex worked on homework and drifted like a ghost between classes. He was turning into a hollow husk of a human being. Alex hadn’t charged his phone in weeks, the only technology he used anymore was his laptop and that was mostly to work on assignments.   
He didn’t even bother with writing on his blog or updating his twitter. He left it like he disappeared from the face of the planet. Alex never bothered to talk to Laurens during the five week period and Laurens didn’t bother to check up on him. 

He locked his door all the time. Every once in a while there would be someone knocking on it. Probably a concerned Eliza or Laf and Herc. It didn’t matter though he never opened the door for anyone. 

It was a miracle that he even survived. He drank copious amounts of coffee, even more than he did before. When Alex wasn’t studying or going to class he was sleeping.  
He slept way more than he had ever done before. Often he’d be interrupted by a nightmare and he would jerk awake only to cry and go back to sleep.

This went on and on. Alex had been in tough times like this before, but, he couldn’t seem to shake out of this rut. He was tired of it though he was too unmotivated to try to get better again. It had been about two years since this had happened. He was so done.

Done with everything. 

He spent those five weeks wallowing. Tired, done, and depressed. 

Five weeks of ignoring the entire world and he was entirely alright with staying in his room as much as he possibly could. That was until a certain concerned foster father decided to start pounding on Alex’s door at 4pm on a Friday afternoon. 

“Alexander Hamilton! If you do not open this door right now there will be consequences.”

Alex was doomed.


	11. Fixing Mistakes

“Alexander!” The banging on the door continued as Alex started at it from his desk chair. He knew that he had to open it, even if he didn’t Lin still could because Alex had been stupid and forgotten to lock the door. Maybe Lin didn’t know that. He’d probably find out soon though.

Alex truly, really, most definitely didn’t want to open the door. He looked awful, he’d barely been taking care of himself, deciding to throw himself completely into his studies. His hair was unkempt, his stubble had decided to grow out more, his eyes were near bloodshot because of the lack of sleep that he was experiencing over the past month or so. 

All in all Alex looked like a mess.

He didn’t want Lin to see how bad he had become.

Whenever he fell into the pit of depression before Lin and Vanessa were there to help him. They would make sure that he was still able to take care of himself. This time he was all alone. He didn’t dare talk to any of the revolutionaries about how bad his mental state had become. He never knew if anyone was texting him or not because he hadn’t bothered to check. Which would also explain why Lin was there because he wasn’t checking those texts either. 

Alex had most definitely missed their meetup, and it made him feel even worse, if that was possible anymore.

“Alex please open the door.” Lin seemed to be calming down, no longer pounding as hard as he was before. Alex was thankful for that, he had been getting frequent migraines. 

He sighed to himself and forced himself to stand up and walk to the door. Each step felt like one step closer to death, his hands were getting clammy from nerves, his heart   
racing. 

‘I will not have a panic attack’ he silently swore to himself. He needed to be strong, at least strong enough so that he could at least open the door before breaking down. 

Once he made it to the door he paused, his hand on the doorknob. He could pretend as though he wasn’t there, but he knew that Lin would have his class schedule figured out by now. Alex needed to bite the bullet. Again.

Alex took a deep breath and opened the door. Behind it was his foster dad, looking less angry and more concerned than he wanted. Alex knew how to deal with angry people, he had gone through his fair share or horrible foster families, it was harder to deal with people that were genuinely concerned and wanted to help him. It wasn’t everyday that he found someone that did care about him, really care about him. 

At least or sort of had the revolutionaries. He hoped he still did.

“Alex…” The dam broke. Alex began to cry, more than cry sob. Lin took Alex into his arms and guided him back into the dorm room. He sat Alex down on the bed, not sitting down on it with him, but pulling the chair over so that he could sit in front of Alex. 

Alex’s leg was bouncing up and down as sobs wracked through his entire body as he sat there shaking. Lin gently rubbed the back of Alex’s hand, the contact being something that Alex really needed at the moment. It wasn’t so much that it would send him deeper into his panic, just enough so that he was able to recognize that someone was there with him. 

“Un… Un….D-deux….” Alex was rocking back and forth on his bed, trying his best to count. It seemed so much harder when J-Laurens wasn’t there to help him. Laurens had made the bad thoughts go away so much quicker. Laurens. 

Thinking of him made Alex’s heart speed up, but not in an entirely bad way, just different. He tried to think of their date, sort of date (?). No, it was a date. He thought of that. How Laurens had held him in their bathroom and refused to let go. How they had texted back and forth before everything had gone sour.

“That’s good Alex. In and out. Un. Deux. Trois. Quatre. Cinq. Six. Sept. Huit. Neuf. Dix.”

Alex repeated it back to Lin "Un. Deux. Trois. Quatre. Cinq. Six. Sept. Huit. Neuf. Dix.” 

The kept going back and forth for about ten minutes. Each time it was easier and easier for Alex to repeat the numbers back. Slowly but surely his tears stopped, and he sat still   
on the bed. 

“You doing better now hijo?” Lin asked, his hand still on top of Alex’s.

Alex nodded, “I think so.” 

“Alright, did you remember your meds today?”

Another nod.

“Do you want to talk about what’s been going on?”

There was a pause. Alex seemed as though he was about to start crying again, but he tried his hardest to keep the tears behind their blockade. Then in a small voice Alex spoke up, “I messed up.” 

Sensing that another breakdown was possible Lin sat down next to Alex on the bed and pulled him into his arms again. “Do you want to say anymore?” He didn’t want to press too much but he did want to figure out what had happened to Alex, he was Lin’s son after all.

“I was talking to some of my old friends. Really old friends, all of them are reincarnates from the American revolution. And one of them, Him, he spoke up and it sent me into a panic attack.” Alex’s became a little erratic but he calmed himself down again, determined to finish his story. “It wasn’t even anything bad but there’s such a bad memory tied to him. Then Laurens came to help me but we got into a big fight and I was said some stupid things. I haven’t talked to any of them in five weeks and I feel terrible but I don’t know what to do anymore.” The more Alex talked the more his voice broke.

Lin held him even closer and rubbed calming circles on the distressed man’s back. He let Alex cry a little. There weren’t the gut wrenching sobs from before but he could tell that Alex had been holding this in for a while, something that wasn’t healthy whatsoever. After a few minutes Alex once again regained control of himself, taking a few deep breaths before talking again.

“What happened during the fight Alex?”

Alex shut his eyes tight, refusing to let anymore tears get through. “It was stupid. I’m such an idiot and I shouldn’t have said anything.”  
Lin rubbed his back again, “You are many things Alexander, an idiot, is not one of them.”

“Alright. Laurens was trying to comfort me and he said that nothing was wrong with me. I don’t know why that made me so mad but it did. So I freaked out and I yelled at him to get out of the room. He left. I just broke down. I haven’t talked to anybody in weeks, I didn’t even bother to charge my phone.” Alex said it all so quickly that he wasn’t able to get a full breath in before stopping. He took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, not succumbing to the anxiety that threatening to take hold of him.

Alex fell deeper into Lin’s embrace, hoping that he would be able to block out all the intrusive thoughts. “You need to talk to them hijo. I know it’s going to be really really hard   
but you have to. I’ve heard what you’ve said about Eliza and I know that all of them care about you. Especially John.”

Alex flinched a little at the name, he’d been refusing to call Laurens by his first name since the incident, hoping that it would put distance between them even if the only person Alex was talking to was himself. “I can’t confront Him.”

“John?” Lin asked, it seemed like the most obvious candidate at the time. Alex shook his head. “Then who?”

“I really don’t want to say his name. Please don’t make me say his name,” Alex was acting completely frantic. His hands were shaking and his leg had begun to bounce up and down again.

“Hey, hey. Alex.” Alex turned to look at Lin, fear written all over his face. “You don’t have to say his name, alright,” He nodded. “But can I guess?”

Alex thought it over, on one hand he did want to tell Lin because maybe it would be a little easier, on the other hand he didn’t want to hear His name. “Okay,” Alex said meekly.   
It hurt Lin to see Alex like this. Everytime the boy had become this scared version of himself it didn’t even seem like Alex. He was bold and outspoken, not in any way cowardly. 

“Is it the…” Lin knew he had to pick his words carefully, he didn’t want to cause Alex to panic again, “You remember who Leslie played in the show?” 

Alex nodded, “It’s him.”

There was a silence, not awkward or even a fearful one, just a silence of understanding. Lin could understand why thinking about Burr made Alex so upset, he was the man who ultimately killed him. The bigger question was how they were going to fix this. Not exactly ‘fix’ per say but overcome. How would they overcome this obstacle?

“Do you think you’d be able to talk to him with me? You don’t have to actually hear him, just texting. Would that be alright?” Maybe it was going to fast, it most definitely was going to fast, but if Alex was able to text Burr it was quite possible that it was more shock than it was legitimate PTSD. 

Alex slowly nodded, “Alright I think I can do that.”

“Better charge your phone then,” Lin said with a smile. Alex stood up from the bed and picked up his phone and charger, both of which were laying on his desk, covered in a thin layer of dust from not touching them in so long. He plugged the charger into the wall and the phone into the charger. It took a few moments for the phone to finally turn on but when it did, it was a lot. 

There were hundreds of unread texts and voicemail messages. ‘I guess that group chat gets a lot of use’ Alex thought to himself. He promised himself that he would read the texts later and listen to all the voicemails, no matter how long it took him to do.

He opened his phone and went to the group chat. Without thinking twice he created a contact for Him and started a chat. His fingers hovered over the keyboard, not knowing what he was going to say. He looked over at Lin who was watching patiently next to him. “What am I supposed to say?”

Lin shrugged, “Normally people start with hello.” 

[petit lion started a private chat with a.burr]

petit lion: hey

It was awkward, everything was awkward. His hands were getting clammier by the second and he really wanted to shut down his phone and pretend like he never even sent the text. But he made a promise to Lin, okay not really, but he had to do this. There was no going back now anyway.

a.burr: Hamilton, hello

Somehow he knew that He would insist on calling Alex by his last name. He took a deep breath and tried to stop himself from shaking. He tried to focus on Lin’s arm around him. He could do this.

petit lion: sorry abt bailing out on you earlier 

‘Why would you say that Alex! Earlier!? It’s been a month and a half’ Alex thought to himself. He blinked hard to bite back the tears that wanted to spill out.  
a.burr: No worries, like I said nobody can tell what you’re saying though

Alex chuckled a little, which made Lin smile. He was proud of his son.

petit lion: not my fault that you don’t know how to text correctly

a.burr: I think its you not knowing the English language correctly 

petit lion: quizás estás en lo cierto (maybe you’re right)

a.burr: please don’t make me break out google translate Hamilton

Alex laughed out loud this time and looked over to Lin. He was beaming with pride. Alex didn’t know how he was doing this, how he was talking to Burr. Maybe it was because it wasn’t talking about anything serious, maybe because it was only texting. But he was able to do it and that was what mattered. 

This time Lin’s phone went off. He stood up and answered, quickly he turned back to Alex. “I’m really sorry but I have to go. You think you’ll be alright?” Alex nodded. He was ready this time. Hopefully it wasn’t just Lin that made this easy. 

“Alright, we’ll have to reschedule our meetup okay hijo? Don’t let me forget.” Lin wrapped Alex in his arms for the last time.

“I won’t. Thank you for helping me.”

“That’s what dads are for. See you later Alex,” Lin started to walk out the door.

“Bye, love you.”

“Love you too.”

The door shut behind him and the silence was back again. This time he could hear something coming from J-Laur-John’s door. He didn’t dare walk over to the other side of the bathroom though. Talking to Burr was enough for today. Speaking of which his phone went off again.

a.burr: you still there Hamilton?

petit lion: yeah, my dad just left

a.burr: oh, sorry to interrupt

petit lion: I was the one to text you

a.burr: still

a.burr: everyone is asking me if you’re going to join the chat again

Alex took a deep breath, you only live once.

petit lion: yeah I will

a.burr: want to?

petit lion: why not 

[petit lion is online]

francophile: Oh no look who’s back.

petit lion: shut it jefferson

theniceone: alex behave

petit lion: yes liza :3

say_no: hammy stop flirting with my gf

theniceone: riah…

say_no: okay :/

petit lion: i ain't flirting with her in this time period

laffy_taffy: you have somebody else for that ;)

Alex didn’t want to think about John, he knew he would have to talk to him at some point. Especially now since he was on speaking terms with the group. He’d have to apologize, he knew that, even after five weeks he still felt scared to do so.

petit lion: :/

laffy_taffy: ?

Mulligayn:?

angie:? 

andPEGGY: ?

say_no: ?

francophile: ?

theniceone: ?

maddy: ?

a.burr: ?

theoDOEsia: ?

turtle boi: ?

petit lion: nope 

[petit lion has left the chat]

angie: not this time

[angie added petit lion to the chat]

petit lion: whyyyyyy

angie: explain yourself alexander hamilton

Mulligayn: she really be breaking out the full name

laffy_taffy: scary

andPEGGY: youre dead alex

francophile: I’m proud you used the right you’re Pegs.

andPEGGY: your validation means nothing

turtle boi: I can feel the coldness from that text

Alex was panicking a little, just when he thought that he was able to get over talking to Burr, John had to make himself known. He felt so awkward.

angie: alexander…

petit lion: fine

[petit lion started a private chat with angie]

angie: it’s john isn’t it

petit lion: HOW DID YOU KNOW

angie: I have eyes hon

angie: you need to talk to him 

petit lion: i know but at the same time I don’t want it to be super awkward

angie: it should have been awkward for you to rejoin the chat but here you are

petit lion: it was easier!

angie: talk to him Alexander

petit lion: you really going to start calling me Alexander…

angie: I’ll call you alex if you talk to him

petit lion: hmmmmmm

petit lion: fine

petit lion: but if it goes south i’m blaming you

angie: as I thought, good luck 

petit lion: i’ll need it

Alex put his phone down. He was really about to do this. 

It reminded him of when he first went to talk to John, the same nerves, the same sweaty palms. His wrist began to flare up again, he tried his best to not think about it hoping that the itching would stop. At least this time he knew it was connected to John. They were connected. He ruined it so now he would have to fix it.

Alex was terrified of what was behind that door.


	12. Making Up

Alex made the trip to the bathroom again. At this point it was becoming uncomfortably familiar, he really needed to stop doing this. He didn’t walk as slow as the first time. Alex was a man on a mission, that mission being that he had to make up with his ex-lover, (mostly ex?) from two hundred years ago because he yelled at the other man for being completely valid.

It couldn’t be that hard.

Sure he was lying to himself, trying to build up his crippling self esteem so that he could face a monster yet again. Not that John was a monster, but, this confrontation was just too much.

He had been wanting to do this from the start, maybe not the first week but definitely after that, and god forbid he end it now. Alex also had to worry about Angelica going off on his if he didn’t go through with it. That was worse than whatever John had to say to him.

So here he was, five foot seven standing in front of a door that seemed to be getting bigger, in a room that felt way too small. His hands were shaking at his sides and he’d given up on trying to calm them long ago. 

He raised his fist to the door and knocked. Once, twice, three times all in quick succession. He could hear footsteps coming, the deja vu was even worse now, and finally the doorknob turned. 

John opened the door and looked down at Alex, who at this point must have been sweating bullets. 

“H-hi.” 

Then the door slammed in his face.

“Hey John! I’m sorry can you just open up the door and we can talk.” Alex went to knock on the door again but instead it opened. 

“You haven’t wanted to talk to anyone for the past month Hamilton.” That hurt. Sure he’d been doing the same thing to John but at least he kept it in his head, John was right though, he didn’t talk to anyone.

Anyone who saw him could easily see how angry John really was. His clenched jaw, crossed arms, his gaze seeming to look right through Alex making him feel even more terrible if it were possible. 

“I know and I’m sorry. But I want to talk now.” 

The two stood there for a second in silence. Alex holding his breath for John’s response and John thinking over what Alex had said.

“Fine.” It was better than nothing. John walked back through the door, Alex following behind him. John sat down in the middle of the floor on what seemed to be a rug. Alex must have looked confused because John said, “Talking on the bed didn’t go so well last time.”

Alex sat down, not next to him, but right in front of John so that the two could look right at each other. John’s dorm seemed happier than Alex’s. There were finished paintings on the walls, photos of who Alex could only guess as being family and friends, John’s desk was much more messy than Alex’s. It was covered in dry paint and marker. John’s dorm seemed alive, but John didn’t seem so.

His hair was also unkempt, tied behind him in a desperate attempt to keep it somewhat clean. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to be a dark purple, which from Alex’s own experience was never a good thing. 

“You wanted to talk,” John uttered. His voice didn’t have the same bite as earlier, but he still managed to sound angry even when he was talking so quietly.

“Yeah.” 

John looked up at him.

“Oh right!” Alex forgot what he was going to say, he didn’t plan anything it was all a spur of the moment thing. It was probably a mistake.   
John let out a half hearted chuckle, “You know usually we couldn’t get you to shut up.”

Alex scratched at his wrist, “People change.”

“I guess they do,” the things Alex would do to make John sure of himself again. The spark was gone, much like himself and it hurt. Alex would move mountains, go to the deepest parts of the ocean. He’d do anything just for John to smile again, a real smile. Not some half done, awkward, break the tension smile. 

Alex realized he still had not spoken a word.

“Well, I wanted to say I’m sorry. Obviously. I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I shouldn’t have told you to leave.” Alex took a deep breath, this was going to be harder than he thought.

Then John started up, “I’m sorry too, I should have just listened and not have been such a jerk.”

“Jerk? If anyone is, it's me. I left everyone in the dark for a month and just came back for no apparent reason.” Alex was close to tears but he made a silent promise to himself that he wouldn’t cry.

“It was obvious that you were going through some stuff, you still are.”

“And you aren’t?” It was a low blow and he regretted it as soon as he said it. Just, as soon as he started talking it seemed as though he couldn’t stop. All he wanted to do was get his point across and it was going to cause another argument. Alex was supposed to be fixing things, not making them worse.

The room was quiet, far too quiet. 

A minute passed, maybe two who really knows.

“It’s not important Alexander.”

Alex jumped a little at the sudden response. “It does matter John.”

They looked at each other. Both of their eyes red and faces puffy, tear tracks were gleaming on John’s face.

“It matters so much. You are hurting, don’t try to tell me you aren’t. What I did was stupid and terrible. Leaving you with nothing was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I want to fix it, I want to fix it all so much it hurts. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that you are happy. And you’re right I’m messed up too. You make me better, you help me so I help you, because I care about you. Because I love you John Laurens.” 

He wasn’t expecting to say that.

Alex sat there taking deep breaths, he didn’t panic, which was quite amazing. He sat there on a rug in John Laurens’ dorm room. He sat on that rug and thought about what he had just said. How stupid of a thing it was to say at that moment. 

And John also did the unexpected. 

John surged forward, grabbed Alex’s face and kissed him. 

It was messy and completely not thought through. John pulled back just as fast. “That was really stupid.” 

“Just a bit.” 

Both of them sat on the ground staring at each other. No movement, no talking, nothing. The two men were too preoccupied with processing what had just happened. 

‘He just kissed me. John Laurens just kissed me. I haven’t seen this man in five weeks and he kissed he.’

“Alex is going to kill me.”

“What? I’m not going to kill you.” John’s eyes widened, Alex was just confused about whatever had just happened. 

“I didn’t mean to say that.”

“After all these years and you still don’t know when to keep your mouth shut.” Alex knew where this was going, at least he thought he did. If he could just be a little more   
confident in himself it could be even better. 

“Maybe you can fix that.” Alex straight out laughed, harder than he had in months, maybe even years. It was that sort of laugh that makes your sides hurt so you can’t help but fall down on the floor. Soon enough John joined in with Alex’s laughter. It lasted a few more minutes with a few tears. This time not from panic or fear but from joy. Pure, unadulterated joy. 

It felt amazing. 

The two layed down next to each other on John’s rug, staring up at the ceiling before them. A fan was going in the background creating a comfortable silence. It was nice. Possibly too nice. Neither of them worried about it though, today was a good day and nothing could change that. 

“We just kissed.”

“Yes we did Alex.” 

Alex turned to look at John, “So what does it mean?” It was a genuine question. For months Alex had been pinning over the boy he accidentally met. John had helped him figure out he was a reincarnate. Helped him get out of whatever state he had found himself in again. He loved John. More than anything. All Alex wanted was for John to be able to say it back. 

John turned to Alex, “It can mean whatever you want it to mean.”

Alex took a deep breath and let his feelings out. He turned back to look at the ceiling, “I want it to mean forever this time.”

John reached for Alex’s hand that was between the two of them. He interlaced their fingers and held Alex’s hand tight between his. “I can do forever.” 

The two stayed there, laying side to side on John’s floor for what seemed to be an eternity. After a while they began to talk to each other again, telling stupid stories from their childhood, or at least this life’s childhood.

“So usually I’d get super bored during the day and my foster parents would never be home, so, I just went out and explored the city.” Alex was curled up on John, his head in John’s lap. The other playing with his hair.

“They just let you?” 

“They never found out. How do you think I got so smart?”

John chuckled and Alex looked up at him. “You’ve always been smart Lex.”

Alex blushed at the nickname, ‘that one was new’, he thought to himself. “Have you told anyone about how you felt about me?” He already knew the answer but hearing it come from John would make him feel a bit better, at least it would make him feel a bit more confident in their current situation.

“Sort of? I mean, I think they just picked up on it after a while. I complained a lot about not getting to see you again.” Alex sat up and hugged John, pulling the other man close to his chest. “You good Lex?”

“I just need to know that you’re real and this isn’t all a dream.” 

There was a pause in the conversation as John tightly squeezed Alex back, “This is real, I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Good.”

Again they sat in silence for a few minutes, that was until Alex spoke up. “My dad is probably going to want to meet you.”  
John pulled back from the embrace, “You told him?”

Alex furrowed his brows, “Well yeah, but don’t worry he’s really nice.”

“Wish I could say the same,” John mumbled under his breath. Alex was sitting so close to him that he was still able to hear John. 

“I’m sorry.”

John sighed, “It’s not your fault. He’s just been angry at everything since my mom died. He was never super accepting, my mom was. I really loved her.” He began to tear up and Alex hugged him again. Alex knew exactly what it felt like to lose a mother, he’d gone through the same thing all those years ago. John wiped his eyes, “I wish I could get to see her just one more time. You know this is the second time I’ve had to go through this. History really does repeat itself.” 

John buried his face in the side of Alex’s neck, tears streaming down his face. “I know, none of it’s fair.”

Alex let John cry a little more, sometimes it was the only thing that helped. After a few minutes John sat up straighter and looked Alex in the eye. Alex stared right back, 

“Better.”

“Much better. I haven’t really talked to anyone about her in awhile.” John wiped his face.

“Talking is the best thing we can do, at least that’s what my therapist told me,” that earned a laugh from John, it was like music to Alex’s ears. He was overjoyed that he was able to make John laugh, so Alex laughed along too. 

“So….” 

“Yeah?”

“Your dad?”

Alex had completely forgotten about where the conversation had started, “Oh yeah, um I should probably text him or something. Are you good with it?”

John took a deep breath, “Yeah, just maybe in like a week so then…”

“This whole situation makes more sense?”

“Yeah,” John scratched at the back of his neck, “What are we?”

Alex thought it over. He wanted to date John, wanted to be with him again, but was it all too fast. At the same time it seemed as though he waited an eternity for this to finally happen. “What do you think?” Alex immediately regretted saying that, “That came out really bad, just what do you want to be?”

John quirked his eyebrow, “Well, I would like to be with you.”

Alex’s eyes lit up, a pink flush also dusted over his cheeks once more, “That’s great. I would like that too.”

Both of them laughed a little. It was a bit awkward but at the same time relief flooded both of them. 

“So, you’re agreeing to meet my dad?”

“What’s the worst that could happen.”


	13. One Week Later

It was one week later, which meant that John had to meet Alex’s dad. It should have been easy, seeing as he only needed to meet one person, but it was not what he expected at all. The entire week John thought about what could go wrong, something which he had never done before when meeting his ex-boyfriends parents. 

But this was Alex. Everything was so much different with Alex and he didn’t want to mess it up. Not again.

He would go through all the steps, not leaving out a single one, which happened to include meeting Alex’s dad. 

Alex hadn’t even told John what his father’s name was, only that he was his foster father and that Alex had been living with him for a few years. It wasn’t very comforting.  
John just didn’t want to mess up, not again not ever again. He was through with messing up and losing what he so desperately wanted. He was going to make a good 

impression and he was going to stay with Alexander. He had waited two centuries to meet his love once again and one single encounter was not going to ruin that. John was better than that. 

Here he was standing in front of his full length mirror attempting to get ready, with Alex reading some textbook on the bed. 

“You know you don’t have to try that hard Jackie, it’s just my dad.” A blush rose on John’s face, Alex had only recently started calling him by that nickname and it flustered him every single time. At least the memory of Alex saying it would replace the memories of his father. 

They would never have to meet.

John fiddled with his sweater, trying his hardest to tuck it into his jeans nicely. “I want to make a good impression.”

Alex chuckled, “My dad has yet to meet you and he already loves you. Now come on, we’re going to be late. Wouldn’t want to leave a bad impression now would you,” Alex winked. 

He had really begun to come out of his shell, at least towards John. He was starting to be more like the Alex that John knew from all those years ago. Sure they weren’t exactly alike but it was perfect nonetheless. And John wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

“Fine,” John huffed as Alex walked over to him. He grabbed John’s hand and the two walked out through John’s door. 

The trip wasn’t long in the slightest, it felt like it went even faster than it should have because of John’s nerves. While the two sat in the taxi that they had hailed Alex saw John picking at his nails. He hadn’t noticed it before but John’s nails were short, really short. Alex had never been one to mess with his nails much but it appeared that John was the type. 

Alex grabbed John’s right hand with his left and laced their fingers together. John sighed and seemed to be more content after. 

Before long the two men had made it to the apartment. John was internally panicking but Alex’s hand in his kept him grounded.

Alex knocked on the door and soon enough it opened. “Alex! You must be John, I’ve heard a lot about you. Please come in.”

John stood there frozen as Alex followed his father in. He could not believe what he had just witnessed, this had to be some sick dream, or Alex was pranking him or something of that sort. There was no way that Alex’s foster father was Lin Manuel Miranda.

John pulled back Alex by his sleeve. “Hey what gives Jackie?”

John grabbed the shorter man by the shoulders and stared him dead in the eye, “HE is your foster father.”

Alex looked confused, “Uh yeah? That’s kind of why you’re here.”

John felt like he was losing his mind, “Did it not occur to you that I am John Laurens?”

“Yeah no duh.”

“And you are Alexander HAMILTON?”

“Yeah I know my own…” Alex trailed off and his eyes grew wide. “I forgot.” 

The two stood in the doorway staring at each other in silence. Then John burst out, “You forgot! Alex, my love, he literally researched our entire lives. How am I supposed to look that man in the face with the knowledge that he could have read our letters!” 

A blush spread across Alex’s face and trailed down his neck, “You do know anyone can read those right?”

Now it was John’s turn to go dead silent. His face paled and his grip on Alex’s shoulders slackened. “Anyone?” 

“Yeah.”

“Alex I can’t go in there.”

Alex let out a chuckle, “You promised now come on let’s go.” And so Alex pulled a very out of it John Laurens through the doorway. John looked completely dazed, the news that anyone could read his and Alex’s very personal letters was too much for him to handle. John’s world was crumbling around him and now he had to have a conversation with Alex’s dad who had intimate knowledge of John’s life.

He was a dead man walking.

Alex led him over to the couch and pushed him down so that he was sitting. He sat down next to John, squeezed his hand, and let go again; Alex would not go through this torture alone. 

As Lin sat down in a chair facing them John had a mantra going through his mind, ‘Please don’t bring up the past, please don’t bring up the past’. He could deal with anything, even questions about his own family but not the past. That was a can of worms that he never wanted to open. Especially talking to Lin Manuel Miranda of all people. 

Every instinct that he had was telling him to run, to get out of this overly stressful situation, but he couldn’t. Even though he wanted to it felt as though he was cemented to the couch. He also didn’t want to run out on Alex, he wouldn’t do that to his poor boyfriend. At least he’d avoid any questions from Lin, but was it worth it? 

He needed to do something with his hands, drawing always helped but he couldn’t exactly pull out a sketchbook midway through a conversation. When Alex’s hand joined his   
again he felt a wave of relief. He messed with Alex’s fingers, thankfully the other didn’t seem to mind so much. 

He could do this. He was John Laurens, he had survived much worse than this. What was the worst that could happen?  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
As it turned out John could not do this. It had been a little over half an hour and the three men were sipping on coffee together. John had said that he was fine but Lin kept insisting and he didn’t want to make a big scene about it.

It was good, not as good as what the Schuylers made but pretty high up there. It did nothing to calm his nerves though, if anything it was just getting worse. Again he didn’t want to say anything though. Lin was a good person and it seemed as though he was making a good first impression. The conversation had been lightly hearted without many deep questions. He was waiting for ‘what are your intentions with my son but it never came. 

John still felt intimidated though, maybe it was because of how much he didn’t want to mess this up. His relationship with Alex started off pretty rocky already, this was not something that he wanted to add to the list. Top that with Alex’s father literally being a celebrity and it tripled the anxiety. 

What would it be like to be on a celebrity’s bad side? John really didn’t want to find out the answer to that question.

All things considered the meeting, if you could call it that, was going pretty well. John was able to actually speak and not fumble over his words, as long as Alex’s hand was in his then John had nothing to worry about. He just needed Alex to be there and it would be smooth sailing for as long as this encounter lasted. 

“I’m going to go to the bathroom,” That was what could go wrong. Alex stood up from the couch and walked down the hallway leaving John completely vulnerable.

This was it, this was the moment that John was waiting for. He was going to get killed. Without Alex there to hold his hand, although it seemed very babyish, John was lost. He started to pick at his nails again, he knew it was bad but he needed something to do with his hands or else he knew that he would never be able to take part in whatever conversation Lin wanted to have.

“So John…” He was so dead, sitting there like a lamb for slaughter, he was frozen. This was not how that day was supposed to go. “Do you really love Alexander?” 

That was not what he was expecting at all, he was prepared to be threatened at least a little bit, that question snuck up on him.

John tried to refocus, “Of course Mr. Miranda! With all of my heart I love him.” It was true, he wasn’t about to lie to Alex’s dad, he would never feel good about that. 

Lin rolled his eyes, that scared John, “You can call me Lin it’s alright.”

“Alright...Lin?”

“You better be telling the truth, if Alex gets hurt I will find you.” 

John’s eyes widened in fear, this was what he was expecting. He saw it coming and this was something that he was prepared for. He could deal with this.

“I would never hurt him sir, I love him and if I hurt him? I don’t know what I would do with myself.” John looked down at his hands that were laying in his lap. Even when he was having a petty argument with Alex he felt terrible. The entire time he simply wanted to apologize and make up, getting so heated that he actually hurt Alex? He couldn’t imagine it. 

Lin crossed his arms, he didn’t look mad though, he seemed as though he was pleased. “Alright.” 

As the conversation came to a close Alex walked back into the room. To say that it was awkward was an understatement, it was nearly mortifying. Lin and John looked at each other and then at Alex who was staring at the two. Alex looked to John and then to Lin. He saw how stressed John was, but he also seemed relieved to see Alex standing before him. 

“What did you do?” Alex asked, looking to Lin. 

“The normal schick, don’t worry Hammy.” Alex rolled his eyes, he knew that Lin had said something and he was going to figure out. 

“Would you stop with that nickname?” Alex sat down next to John again and gripped onto his hand. John instantly relaxed and started to play with Alex’s fingers once more. 

The rest of the time at the apartment was okay. It was not terrible, after the terror of Lin there was not much more than could go wrong. Finally Alex and John said their goodbyes and left.

The taxi ride back to John and Alexs’ dormitory was quiet, it seemed as though all of John’s energy was drained and all he wished to do was sleep.

He dragged himself up the stairs to the building, he knew that there was no possible way that he was going to climb all the stairs to his room. Alex practically had to hold him up. When they finally got to John’s room he trudged over to his bed and flopped down onto his stomach. Alex stood at the doorway and smirked at him. 

“You alright?” John looked back to him and glared, there was no true malice behind it so Alex laughed a little. When Alex saw that John was not laughing back he walked over to the bed, a small frown on his face. “Hey what’s up?

“Tired.” 

Alex sat down on the bed near John and held his hand, “Take a nap then, if you need be I’m just a short walk away.” Alex brought John’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles. 

Alex couldn’t see it but John’s face burned bright red, thankfully he was hiding it in his pillow. “Okay.” Alex walked away, leaving John to nap alone.


	14. Help Is Okay

John threw down his phone onto the bed next to him. He had just been on a call with his father, who hadn’t spoken to him in months. John’s father wanted nothing to do with him once John made his way to college, he was already disappointed that his oldest son had decided to pursue art instead of something more traditional like politics or medicine. 

His father was a politician and he believed that he had raised John right, obviously he was very wrong in that assertion. To his father John was nothing but one disappointment after another. Coming out to him was hard, the man was very ‘traditional’ in his ways, Henry Laurens wanted John to forget about his past and move on.

But how could he? When there was someone out there that he yearned for more than anything. Someone that he had spent years looking for only to lose track once again. How could he move past Alexander? 

John told Henry all of that, and then some. He didn’t mean to go off the way that he did. Truly and honestly he had wanted to keep his composure, to show that he was an adult and he could act like it. Then his father had to say such cruel things towards Alex. John had become immune to them himself, he could not bear anyone saying something so terrible about his Alexander though.

That’s when he broke down, when the tears began to flow and when the tension became too much. It was when he let his anger get the best of him.

He was so stupid for letting that happen. 

John messed up, exponentially, he was completely ruined. With seven simple words his father had turned his world completely upside down. 

“You are not seeing your siblings again.” 

Seven words, one sentence, and so much grief and guilt washed over him. It was his fault, all his fault, if he had just pretended a little more, not said a word about Alex he could still see them again.

He couldn’t be the punching bag anymore, who’d be next? The thought of Henry yelling like he did at John to anyone of his siblings brought on another wave of sobs.  
He started scratching at his palms and picking at his skin. This had to be fake, it was all too terrifying to be real. 

But it was.

John wasn’t going to see his siblings again. He was so lost. It was as if someone had trapped him in a maze without a single light, he couldn’t find his way out. How was he going to fix this? Was it even remotely possible?

What if his siblings began to believe in what their father told them? John couldn’t shake the thought, he’d really be lost then. Maybe he could try texting them, or was it too risky. Henry could have their phones, possibly deleting John’s contact from everything the family owned.

He felt so alone. 

There was a knock at the door before it swung open, John did not process any of it happening though as he was too far gone in his own head. 

Alex stepped in and shut the door behind him, it had become a common thing after meeting Alex’s father a few weeks ago, for one of them to enter into the others room. He saw John sitting on his bed, feet planted on the floor, his face red and blotchy. Normally Alex would find it cute when John’s face went red, usually because it was Alex doing something stupid to cause it, but not this time. This was no laughing matter. 

“Hey John.” Alex wanted to get John’s attention before getting any closer, especially before getting on the bed with him. It was an unspoken rule after Alex’s incident. 

If John had heard Alex he made no indication of it, so Alex braced himself and walked over to him. He crouched down in front of John and peered up at him. Tears were streaming down his face, it hurt Alex to see his boyfriend in such a state, he needed to fix this. 

He grabbed John’s hands to stop him from hurting himself even more. This got John’s attention as he looked to meet Alex’s gaze. “Hey.”

“Hi,” it was too meek.

“Want to tell me what happened?” John was more open, ironically seeing as Alex was always seen as the loud mouth. John would tell Alex anything, even if it was personal. 

John pulled back one of his hands to wipe his eyes with the edge of his sweater, “I just called my dad.” 

Alex tensed up, he didn’t know much about Henry Laurens, that was a sore subject for John, but he knew enough to hate him. “What did he say?”

“He said…” John let out a sob and leaned in to place his head on Alex’s shoulder. The position was awkward and could never be seen as remotely comfortable but John needed it. 

“He said I couldn’t see my siblings again.”

Alex was in shock as John’s body wracked with sobs. It was unthinkable, surely Henry wasn’t so terrible to refuse to let John see his own siblings? With the way John was reacting though, Alex was sure that it was real.

“I’m going to make sure you see them,” Alex pulled John’s face in front of his, cupping the others cheeks in his hands. “I promise you that.”

John sat still crying, he didn’t know what to say. It felt like an empty promise, there was no way that Alex was going to be able to get around Henry Laurens’ complete control. 

“You don’t believe me do you?” 

John shook his head, “How Alex?” His voice broke and this time silent tears streamed down. 

Alex shook his head, “I don’t know but trust me John Laurens, I will do anything in my power to help you see them again.”

Alex held John for a few minutes, just until his sobs died down and he was able to compose himself. It didn’t matter how long it took, Alex would be there the entire time, making sure that John was okay. 

He would always be right there. 

John pulled away again and wiped his eyes, “Thanks.”

Alex rubbed the others cheek and smiled, “No need to thank me, I’m here for you. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I wasn’t?”

That caused John to chuckle and Alex’s world lit up, he’d never be able to get over John’s amazing laugh. No matter what it would always cause him to smile with pure unadulterated joy. 

Alex jumped up onto the bed next to him and pulled John into a side hug, “Feeling better?” 

John snuggled into the crook of Alex’s neck, “I always feel better when I’m with you.”

Alex turned to look at the other side of the room, his face scarlet, “You cheesy idiot.”

They both laughed again. Alex felt much better seeing John like this. Seeing him before, terrified and unable to process correctly, it was slightly horrifying. Alex had never seen him like that before, even in his past life. Sure there had been moments during the war when tension was thick and one of them had a breakdown from the amount of stress put on them, but John had always powered through. He was the rock that Alex anchored himself to, he was supposed to be an unmovable object, obviously Alex was wrong.

He hadn’t been with John for so long this go around, it had only been nearing half a year, while before he had been sharing a tent with the other for years before. It felt odd, falling back into the groove of things. Both of them had had new experiences, some of which changed them to be nearly completely different people. They were the same at the core, but they treated the world differently. Going through the motions in a way that wasn’t the same.

It was insane how much trauma could change a person. 

Alex had been through terrible things in a couple of his foster homes, usually they were fine and it was simply an inconvenience thing with him being there. But some. He shuddered at the thought. 

He’d gone through years of therapy to get to where he was now, and trusting new people was still near impossible. That was something that would stick with him for the rest of his life. 

Alex wondered what John had been through. He knew that John’s father hated him, that much was apparent as he had basically disowned John, and he knew about the yelling. He hoped that that was as far as it went, he couldn’t bear thinking about what else could have happened to John before Alex met up with him again. 

It was quiet in the room, John’s breathing was steady once more and it seemed as though he had fallen asleep on Alex’s shoulder. ‘He really must have tired himself out from crying,’ Alex thought to himself. 

Alex yawned, ‘I guess I’m pretty tired too.’ The man had been working himself to the bone, submerging himself in his studies. This time he had friends to study with, if Alex didn’t take care of himself properly one of them would force him to. That meant a lot of dragging Alex down to the cafe to eat. ‘No Alex coffee doesn’t count as food’ Burr would remind him constantly. 

Alex tried his best to lay John on the bed without waking him, that didn’t seem to be much of a problem though. Once John was strewn across the bed Alex attempted to get the blanket out from under him, it wasn’t one of his brightest ideas but after about five minutes of struggling he was victorious in his quest. 

He laid down next to John and pulled the duvet over the both of them, the dorm rooms were far too cold. With the winter months getting closer and closer they really ought to turn up the heat. That was Alex’s last thought before he fell into a deep and peaceful sleep. He had never had such a peaceful sleep.

There wasn’t a single nightmare, which was quite ironic saying as he was terrified about trying to get John to see his siblings again. But the sleep was perfect, it wasn’t dreamless. 

But the dreams were calming for once. 

Dreams of more coffee dates to come, movie nights with the rest of the revolutionary set, it was quite possibly the best sleep that Alex had had in a while. He just hoped that John wasn’t having any nightmares. 

Alex would help him no matter what happened.


	15. You Didn't Know?

John laid in his bed contemplating.

He didn’t want to think about his father. About the fact that he wasn’t able to see his siblings, that the holidays were quickly approaching and he wouldn’t have anywhere to go. He didn’t want to think about any of those terrible things.

So there were a few options that John had. 

Number one, drink his sorrows away from stealing from Lafayette’s extensive array of alcohol, which would most definitely get him yelled at by Alex (and Laf). Number two, sleep away the pain for what felt like the millionth time. And finally number three, get his friends to make him happy again.

Number three was what would seem to be the best option. It wasn’t self deprecating and/or dangerous, number one was most definitely the worst option, and he had already done enough of number two. So number three. 

He hadn’t seen his friends in what felt like ages. 

John had been wallowing away in his room, much like Alex was doing not that long ago. But this time the two of them were in it together. There was no argument going on, so Alex was there. 

It made John feel so bad. John had left Alex completely, cut off contact between himself and the other. John didn’t help Alex, didn’t try to apologize before, didn’t do anything to make sure that the other was okay. 

How messed up was that? 

He couldn’t put his own emotions aside for five minutes to make sure that Alex was alright and here Alex was making sure that John went to class, studied, ate, remained a functioning human being. Why didn’t John do that? 

He took a deep breath, threw his blanket off of himself, and sat up. Alex wasn’t there at the moment, the other had a late class, but he’d be home before long. He knew for sure that some of their friends would be free. It was only a matter of who to invite over. 

Not Jefferson, that’d cause a fight for sure. Even if him and Alex were on friendly terms it was better to be safe than sorry. No Jefferson also meant no Madison as the two never seemed to be apart. 

Hercules and Lafayette were almost a must, the four of them were unstoppable together, plus John knew them the longest. Who else.

He could invite the Schuylers, which would also include Maria. Was that going too far? He didn’t know how friendly Maria and Alex were, he knew they were in the past even though it made him a little sick to think about those things. But Eliza had moved past that, the two women were together now, and that was probably more important than whatever Alex thought saying as Eliza was the one who was pained the most. 

That decided it, he’d invite Hercules, Laf, and the Schuylers (with Maria of course). Hopefully nothing bad would happen. It shouldn’t.   
Was this stupid? 

John tried not to think about it, they were all people that Alex liked, and so did he, so it would be fine. They’d order some trashy take-out, complain about how dumb college was, and most likely end up binging something on Netflix.

There was nothing bad that could happen, it would be perfect and fun. Everything that John hadn’t had in the past week.   
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“John I’m hom-back!”Alex mentally cursed at himself, that wasn’t the first time that he had tripped up. 

John peaked up from his phone to look at Alex, he then placed it down on his bed and walked over to Alex who was standing near the doorway taking off his coat. He pulled the shorter man into a hug, wrapping his arms around Alex’s shoulders. 

Alex stood in shock, there was no reason for this to happen. But did there need to be a reason anymore? It was nice, sure, he was just surprised is all. Alex smiled a little and hugged his boyfriend back, John wasn’t normally this clingy but Alex didn’t mind one bit. 

“I’m sorry,” John said into Alex’s shoulder. That confused Alex.

“Why are you apologizing?” John’s random apology scared Alex a little, he knew that the other wouldn’t do anything to hurt him, at least not on purpose, it was weird.

“Just thought I should, you know for everything.”

Alex pulled back to look at John, the dark circles under his eyes still weren’t completely gone. It was sort of ironic seeing as John was sleeping more than normal. “You don’t have anything to say sorry for?” It came out as sort of a half question. 

“I’m a jerk.” John looked at the ground.

Alex took John’s chin in his hand and brought his head up so that he could look into John’s eyes, he really didn’t need to bring it up that much seeing as Alex was quite a bit shorter. “You are not a jerk John Laurens.” John didn’t reply. “What’s this about anyway?” 

John sighed, “It’s just- you’ve been taking care of me and all, which thank you so much you’ve been an angel, but...Why?” Alex cocked his head to the side, confused. “When you were going through a bad time I wasn’t there, I was stupid and such an idiot. I left you! How can you come back and pretend like it didn’t happen, be so kind and caring towards me after I did nothing for you.” 

Alex stood in shocked silence for a moment. John was angry, not at Alexander but at himself. It was so self centered of him, narcissistic. 

“Johnathon Laurens.” 

He chuckled, “That’s not my name.”

Alex smiled back at him, “I know but it needed more syllables, anyway, don’t feel bad. Sure it sucks that you didn’t come sooner…” 

John cut him off, “Alex I didn’t show up at all! You came over to my room and I slammed a door in your face!” He was mortified, how could he have down any of those things to Alexander, he was so stupid.

“Okay! Sure, yeah, you did some dumb things! Both of us were hurting, I probably would have done the same thing if I was in your position. But I moved past it. If I stay in the past I can never move forward, so I didn’t. You’re a good person and even good people do bad things sometimes. We’re human John Laurens.” 

It was quiet, both thinking over what Alex had just said. It was true.

John still felt bad, maybe he always would, but Alex was right. If John could simply keep proving that he was better than that it would be alright.

“Fine. I’m still sorry though.”

“Thank you for the apology. Now, I believe you texted me earlier about some people coming over?”

“Oh right!” With all the self loathing John had almost forgotten that he had invited people over. “We should probably clean up.” The room wasn’t much of a mess, a few blankets here and there, some of Alex’s and John’s clothes strewn about. It was really like Alex had moved into John’s dorm. 

As the two cleaned there was knocking at the door, then it was burst open.

“Bonsoir mes amis! (good evening my friends)!” Lafayette walked through the door, pulling Hercules behind them. Both Alex and John peared up to look at the new arrivals. Lafayette walked, more like bounced, over to John’s bed and flung themselves onto it. “So what are we doing?”

John tossed the last few papers he had onto his desk, “Thought we’d order some food and watch a movie or something like that,” he looked over to Alex, “If that’s alright?” The questioned seemed as though it should have been directed to Lafayette and Hercules but it was obvious from John’s positioning that he was talking to Alex. 

Alex didn’t know if he should respond or not, the question was really for him but wouldn’t that be disrespectful.

“Parfait! (perfect) Where are we ordering from, or should I just do the normal order?”

“Normal should be fine.” 

Lafayette pulled out their phone and started to call the groups normal take out place. Just then there was another knock on the door. And then Peggy traipsed through the open door. 

“Hello everybody!” Alex flinched a little at the noise, which did not go unnoticed by John who threw him a concerned glance. Alex just gave a small smile. 

John looked back to his desk and let out a small sigh. Alex’s smile didn’t reach his eyes.

Peggy flopped down onto John’s futon; it was small, as was everything in John’s dorm. Angelica walked into the dorm with Eliza and Maria in tow behind her. Alex’s heartbeat quickened by a few paces, he tried to remember the fact that he knew all these people and that they were all good. He was safe.

He just had to keep reminding himself of that fact.

Everyone settled into the room, it was cramped but it was comfortable. 

Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. 

Was it? 

Maybe it would end up like last time, Alex would freak out. Run into the other room. His room. It was his room. If it was then why didn’t it feel like that anymore. John’s room felt so much better than Alex’s did. 

A hand grabbed onto Alex’s, carefully playing with his fingers. Alex’s breath stopped for a moment, his heartbeat stopped its frantic pace, he was finally able to relax.   
John was there and Alex knew for sure that John was safe, he wouldn’t do anything to hurt Alex. He was able to calm down.

The group argued for a bit about what they were going to watch, it scared Alex a bit. He never had the best experiences when it came to arguments. He knew that nobody was   
actually mad at each other, and that nothing bad would happen, but it still unnerved him.

“I say that we watch Haikyu!”

“Peggy you’ve watched that show five times through already.”

Peggy crossed xer arms, “So what, like you don’t want to watch anime boys play volleyball Laf.”

Lafayette smirked, “I must say it is enjoyable but I already have my man right here,” with that they planted a kiss on Hercules’ cheek.  
Peggy fake gagged as Eliza chuckled. “What about Stranger Things?” Angelica asked.

Maria rolled her eyes, “What are we fifteen?” 

Eliza scoffed at her, “You say that like you don’t watch Riverdale.” Maria pouted a little.

“You promised you wouldn’t bring that up.”

After a little more debating, really just petty arguing, and takeout being received, the group finally decided on a movie and sat down to watch it.  
Everyone crowded in front of John’s TV, it was nice.

Alex felt like he belonged, that he was meant to be there with everyone. Maybe it was just the fact that John’s hand was still in his, still twirling Alex’s fingers. The other man could not sit still to save his life. Even when it came to studying John would be messing with Alex’s fingers or tapping his pencil against the table, much to the annoyance of everyone else in the library. They once were told that they would have to leave if John didn’t stop his consistent tapping. 

The two stayed like that for the rest of the movie, slowly getting closer and closer until it was getting to the point where Alex would be sitting in John’s lap. 

The movie was over and there were takeout boxes strewn about the floor. So much for cleaning. 

Peggy was the first to speak up, “I must say that movie was brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular…” 

“And I’m going to have to cut you off right there sis,” Angelica patted Peggy’s arm, xe pouted a little bit. That was until xe spotted Alex and John curled together.

“Oooooo, what do we have here? Have J and Hammy finally gotten their priorities sorted out?” Alex blushed, his face turning crimson. 

Hercules turned to look at Peggy, “Literally, Pegs I love you, but what are you talking about?”

Peggy’s jaw dropped, “You have to be kidding me! How are you all this blind. I am literally aroace and even I can tell that the tension between Alex and John has magically disappeared!”

The room went quiet as John and Alex looked at each other and then away again. Both of them were red.

“I’m telling the groupchat.”


	16. The Chat

andPEGGY:so some interesting news…

Francophile: I highly doubt it.

andPEGGY: i hate you

maddy: stop hating my boyfriend

petit lion: no

andPEGGY: thank you for taking my side alex

laffy_taffy: b e s t f r i e n d s 

maddy: but what’s the news?

turtle boi: let’s not 

say_no: let’s

petit lion: i thought you were on my side 

say_no: perish

theniceone: why are you texting when you are both in the same room¿?

angie: because they can’t interact like normal people

andPEGGY:but you did this for what

mulligayn: i’m going to have to agree with angie on this one

laffy_taffy: betrayed by my own boyfriend

mulligayn: it wasn’t directed towards you

laffy_taffy: disagree with le petit lion you disagree with moi (me)

francophile: ?

turtle boi: WAIT

petit lion: waiting

turtle boi: jefferson didn’t use a full sentence

Francophile: I’m capable of doing that.

mulligayn: then why

laffy_taffy: don’t you

Francophile: It makes all of you mad.

andPEGGY: liza hold me back

theniceone: pegs no

say_no: i saw we let xem

theniceone: RIA NO

andPEGGY: RiA nO

andPEGGY: RIA YESSSSSS

angie: is it too late to leave this family

a.burr: you’re already committed

petit lion: ewww 

turtle boi: burr? have you just been lurking?????

a.burr: it’s what i’m best at

theoDEOsia: aaron that makes you seem really creepy

andPEGGY: theo’s lurking too?

theoDEOsia: aaron and I are hanging out

theniceone: “hanging out”

angie: is that what they call it these days

andPEGGY: how odd

theoDEOsia: all of you get your minds out of the gutter

maddy: GUYS

francophile: Everyone shut up Jemmy’s talking.

laffy_taffy: the only person he’ll defend :/

mulligayn: f in the chat 

theniceone: f

andPEGGY: f

angie: f

say_no: f

turtle boi: f

theoDEOsia: f

a.burr: f

laffy_taffy: f

maddy: f

turtle boi: lex you got anything to add?

petit lion: he deserves nothing

andPEGGY: 0_0 

andPEGGY: okay then

Francophile: Listen to Jemmy. 

maddy: <3

maddy: anyway, what’s the news pegs

andPEGGY: OH YEAH

andPEGGY: alex and john are dating 

Francophile: How is this supposed to be news?

theniceone: you knew?

Francophile: I assumed they were already dating? Was I wrong?

turtle boi: i mean kind of?

petit lion: we’ve been dating for a month or so

theniceone: YOU DIDNT TELL ME

petit lion: i’m sorry liza please forgive me :’(

theniceone: …

theniceone: fine

say_no: why didn’t you tell anyone

turtle boi: well we did just not you guys 

mulligayn: we are you most

laffy_taffy: bestest friends

petit lion: we wanted to make sure 

Francophile: Make sure of what exactly, you’ve been obsessed with eachother.

turtle boi: stuff happens jefferson

laffy_taffy: ?

Mulligayn:?

angie:? 

andPEGGY: ?

say_no: ?

francophile: ?

theniceone: ?

maddy: ?

a.burr: ?

theoDOEsia: ?

[say_no created a private chat with turtle boi]

say_no: john what happened

turtle boi: nothing happened

say_no: you’re being pretty hypocritical right no

say_no: who did you tell

turtle boi: i

turtle boi: i told my dad

say_no: oh hun

turtle boi: it’s fine

say_no: i know your dad there is no way its fine

turtle boi: okay its not

turtle boi: he won’t let me see my siblings 

say_no: is he even aloud to do that

turtle boi: i don’t know, but most of them are minors so probably?

turtle boi: it’s not like i’m their guardian

say_no: you should be. you’d be a much better father

turtle boi: maybe but i’m positive i couldn’t take care of them like they need

say_no: okay 

say_no: you should still be aloud to see your siblings, especially with the holidays coming up

turtle boi: that’s what hurts the most, i can’t see them for christmas

say_no: does alex know 

turtle boi: yeah he was there right after my dad told me 

say_no: he should have been, he needs to take care of his man 

say_no: by the way congratulations

turtle boi: thanks ria

say_no: :D

turtle boi: :)

say_no: wait so who did alex tell?

turtle boi: we both told his dad

say_no: hold up 

say_no: both 

turtle boi: yeah i met alex’s foster dad, super nice guy 

say_no: well that’s good

turtle boi: kind of crazy that his foster dad is lin manuel miranda

say_no:....

say_no: HOLD UP! YOU DID NOT JUST SAY WHO I THINK YOU SAID

turtle boi: i did

say_no: YOU DID 

turtle boi: lin manuel miranda

say_no: LIN MANUEL MIRANDA

turtle boi: it was awkward 

say_no: iT wAs AwKwArD

turtle boi: he knows everythingggggg

say_no: everything?

turtle boi: everything.

say_no: oh god

turtle boi: exactly 

turtle boi: you try looking him in the eye when he could have read your very personal letters

say_no: i mean….

turtle boi: those letters 

say_no: *__*

say_no: i am suddenly jared 19

turtle boi: unalive me 

say_no: noooooo

Say_no: you good to go back to the main chat

turtle boi: i guess

[Rev Set™]

petit lion: so that’s why john hates me 

turtle boi: i don’t hate you lexi

petit lion: after meeting my dad you did 

laffy_taffy: there is no way

mulligayn: that any of that is true 

say_no: can confirm john just told me 

andPEGGY: imagine being related to someone famous

theniceone: peggy…

angie: think about who you are

andPEGGY: look at my fricking name 

andPEGGY: I AM FAMOUS BECAUSE OF ONE LINE

maddy: i think you’re pretty cool 

andPEGGY: ...my heart

Francophile: What heart?

andPEGGY: don’t take this away from me macaroni lover

theoDEOsia: was that supposed to be an insult

a.burr: peggy that wasn’t that great

andPEGGY: let me live guys 

angie: perish

petit lion: betrayed by xer own sister

turtle boi: harsh

laffy_taffy: herc~ they started doing it 

mulligayn: young love

petit lion: i am literally only a year younger than you¿

Francophile: Small love.

petit lion: come on pegs we’re throwing hands

andPEGGY: FINALLY

theniceone: NO

andPEGGY: y̵̧̧͇̹͈͈̰̱̜̟̍̀͊̎͌ȇ̶̝̰̰̦̼͍̼̰̫̲̣͓̊̏̾̀̚͠ͅs̴̳̰̖̜͈̔͑͂̓̈́̇́̋̚̕͜ͅ

a.burr: oh god…

maddy: is this f e a r

andPEGGY:b̶̮̣́͒ĕ̸̡̢̙ ̵̛̯͔͛s̸̟̟̝̋c̷̯̈́̿̋a̶̧̢͖̟̜̎͋r̸̠̮̰̈́͑e̵̟̳͐̆̂͘d̸̟̣̣̮̒͋̚

[petit lion has went offline]

Francophile: Guys, who’s at my door?


	17. Alex Creates A Plan

Alex was tired of it all.

Sitting at his desk, hunched over his laptop and furiously typing. Midterms were quickly approaching, Alexander Hamilton was not going to fail. He refused. 

But at the same time he was at the point where he wanted to throw his laptop across his dorm room. He was sick and tired of all this studying, and essay writing, and panicking. Who decided that midterms were a good idea anyway?

Pushing all of that aside, trying to forget that he had mountain loads of work to get down without anytime to do any of it. John needed him.   
He needed to stay strong.

One of them had to have everything put together, and it sure wasn’t going to be John right now.

What was he even doing? Was he writing an essay or some elaborate plot to make the world better again, to put it all back in place before Henry Laurens had to ruin it all. So which one was it?

Alex didn’t know anymore. Thoughts blended together, kisses and hugs didn’t register. Had he slept, eaten, functioned? But he had to stay together. Keep himself together. 

All Alex wanted to do was break down. 

No.

He sat up from his desk and flopped onto his bed, ironically right next to John who had been studying in his dorm. Alex had learned quite quickly that John did not like studying alone, he always had to have someone there to make sure that he was doing his work, even if it did make him feel a bit like a child.

Alex curled into a ball, cuddled next to John. He just needed a moment to breathe. One second to forget about everything that was going on outside of the four walls of his dorm, it would all be better than. It could be better. 

He sighed as he wrapped his arms around John’s waist, he was still sitting up and reading some textbook or another. Art history most likely. Boring. 

The thoughts flying around in his head began to slow just a tad bit, better. A hand found its way into his hair and began playing with the chocolate brown strands, better. A steady heartbeat that Alex could focus on much slower than the one beating in his own chest, better. 

It was better.

He could function again.

Maybe he could focus on the plan that he was quickly devising. Ever since that phone call he had been thinking about it. He needed to make sure that John saw his siblings again, no matter what he was going to make sure that it happened. Nobody was going to stop him, he was Alexander Hamilton, he had done so much in his short life and this would be another thing. It wasn’t that he was doing it for himself, he didn’t want his boyfriend to suffer anymore. 

He didn’t know the extent of what happened in John’s childhood, he silently hoped that John would feel comfortable enough to tell him one day, but if his father was bad enough to do this he was a terrible monster. 

Tired and mentally exhausted Alex tried to think of something. Maybe he could try texting John’s sister, since John’s father had blocked his son’s number from each and every one of their phones. They must have been terrified of him since not a single one unblocked John. Disgusting. 

He just needed John to give them at least one of their numbers. 

This could work.

Then they would have to find a place to meet up. How to get that done without John’s father knowing was the most troubling part. Surely he’d notice if they were gone, then there was the fact that it would have to be a time where each of the siblings were free. School was an issue, but maybe if Alex found out when their winter break was they could work with a date earlier on in that week. 

“What are you mumbling about Lexi?” Alex blushed a little, not realizing that he had begun to speak out loud. 

“It’s not important…” He trailed off, it was important. As much as he wanted to surprise John, he did need to tell him something so that Alex could get one of the siblings' names. “Well I guess it kind of is.” He sat up on the bed and tried to look John in the eyes, but he just couldn’t. 

“You’re scaring me a little,” Alex didn’t like that one bit.

He took a deep breath and said in quick succession, “I was trying to think of a plan so that you could see your siblings and I wanted to surprise you but I realized that I sort of need your help because I don’t know any of your siblings numbers and that’s like the first step.” He quickly shut his eyes, he said that all way too fast. 

John chuckled, “So you want to help me?”

Alex’s eyes widened, “Well duh! You are my amazing wonderful awesome boyfriend,” he grabbed John’s face, “And your dad is an idiot. So as a person who is not an idiot I will do everything in my power to help you.” 

John teared up a little at that, Alex was so stupidly thoughtful even if he forgot he was. 

Sometimes he forgot that he was good. Maybe that was because of the terrible, atrocious, views that everyone had forced on him before. Before. John didn’t want to think about what Alex endured this time around before he had met the other man. He knew that it was bad but he didn’t know the extent of it, how far those scars really went. At least he was hopeful that the scars were only metaphorical. 

“You are an idiot Alex,” there was a slight pause and Alex felt a little bad about what John had just said, “But you are my idiot.”

Alex dropped onto his back, laying laughing on the bed, “You had me scared for a second J. I better be your idiot!” John had to laugh with him. With all the stupid things happening every single day, with his dad being worse than ever before, with exams threatening to fail him, with every single thing; John just had to focus on Alex’s ridiculous laugh and it would all be better.

This could make it better.  
**********  
“Why is it that it always leads back to here?” John and Alex stood before the Schuyler’s coffee shop in the bitter cold of the New York City Winter. Bundled in their jackets and scarves but nothing could truly fight against the cold, especially for Alex who had spent the better half of his life in a mostly tropical climate. 

“All good things happen here,” that much was true. This was the place that Alex met Eliza, where he had gotten the itch that something about his life was wrong, where he and John had their first date. It was a good place, only good things could happen here. 

A few weeks back Alex had gotten a hold of John’s sister’s phone number, Martha. She was the second oldest Laurens child and besides John was quite mature, maybe even a bit more than John. Martha had been just as upset when she had learned that she wouldn’t be able to see her older brother again; he was important to her, important to all of the Laurens’ children.

Henry Laurens decided that a trip to New York would be a great idea, probably to visit political rivals but that's besides the point, it all worked out for Alexander’s plan. While Henry was away on a ‘work trip’ Martha would take her siblings and herself for a little trip in the city. 

What John’s father didn’t know wouldn’t kill him. 

So there Alex and John stood, hand in hand, about to walk into yet another chapter of their lives. It was Alex’s turn to meet John’s family, there was absolutely no way that he would be meeting his father, but John’s siblings seemed to be much more important to him. That was what mattered, John was happy. 

When John was happy Alex was happy too.

They walked through the door, the smell of freshly ground coffee and sweet baked goods filled the air. Warmth drifted out behind them and through the doorway, to entrance any passerby that may happen upon the shop. 

John looked around, he really hoped that he would be at the shop first, he still had an image to uphold about being the responsible eldest child. He wasn’t really that responsible. 

His hopes and dreams would be crushed though because sitting at a booth just footsteps away were the rest of the Laurens’s children. That brought him to tears.   
He ran through the shop, struggling to keep hold of Alex’s hand as he weaved through the tables and chairs. 

“Martha!” The girl in question whipped her head around, a smile instantly appearing on her face. She jumped up from the booth and went to pull her brother into a bone crushing hug. John didn’t care though, this was real he was really hugging his sister and she was really hugging him back. 

Alex had let go of his hand to let John have his moment. Seeing him like this made the shorter man beam, he’d never seen this side of John and the fact that he was there to experience it; that John trusted him enough to let him see it, was breathtaking. 

Slowly and one by one the other kids stood up from the booth and joined in with hugging their older brother. None of them had seen John in months, not since he had moved away once again for the fall semester. 

As they pulled away many of their faces were tear stained, this was a dream come true. To many the time spent apart might have seemed inconsequential, it was only about five months. But those five months were always the hardest. Not having someone who had gone through exactly what they had, even worse, for longer than they had. Someone who knew had to make it all feel better. Someone who knew how to protect them.

To have that ripped away, it terrified every single one of them. 

They all tried to ignore it, that only lasted so long. Then there was the text from Alex and Martha was so close to deleting it. Could it be someone playing a messed up joke? Who had possibly found out? But then again she needed to know that John was still there and still wanted to be there for the rest of them. 

Martha was so happy that she had responded to that text.

It got her and her brother back together, standing in a coffee shop that was a tad bit small but felt like home. Martha wished that she could have stayed there forever and never had to have worried about going back home. 

That was something that she could dwell on later because right now John was standing in front of her and he hadn’t even introduced her to his new boyfriend, one that she learned was quite important in this life and the last.


	18. Meeting John's Siblings

To say that Alexander was actually prepared to meet John’s siblings would be one of the biggest lies he had ever told in his life, which was saying a lot.

The lot of them were crammed into the booth, with an extra chair at the head of the table for good measure. It was pretty rough at first, not for John and the rest but mostly for Alex. It was obvious how close all the siblings were and he didn’t want to mess any of that up. He was fine with slinking back and disappearing behind his cup of black coffee. 

Apparently nobody else was as keen as Alex was about that plan.

“So how long have you two been a thing?” Martha asked, glancing between the two men as she did. 

John’s cheeks became a light shade of pink as he stared intently at his own cup of coffee, Alex wasn’t doing much better, he was trying not to make eye contact with anyone and was very keen at looking out the window to see the falling snow. 

Every one of the siblings look between their brother and Alex to see who would break first, who would be the first to answer the question. It was a few painful minutes, with each and every single one of them dying to know the answer. 

“About four months now…” Alex let out shakily, he remembered exactly what day they had finally gotten it together but nobody needed to know that. 

“You guys have been together for four months and you didn’t tell us!” Henry exclaimed, he was the second oldest son coming in at fifteen years old. He had stood up and slammed his hands on the table, some of the other patrons in the store looked over at them. 

“Sit down Hen,” James said as he pulled his brother back down into his seat. After the little stunt the rest of the kids looked back over to their eldest brother for an answer once again.

John was a little nervous, he shouldn’t have been. He knew that his siblings loved him and that they would always be there for him, just, he never really talked about any of his past boyfriends with them before. Sure there were the times that he needed Martha’s assistance in making sure that their father wouldn’t find out but besides that there wasn’t   
much conversation between them. This was completely new territory for all of them. 

“I didn’t want to involve you guys because I didn’t want you getting hurt. You all know how dad is and I didn’t want him to put any blame on any of you. If I kept you in the dark then you had plausible deniability.” His hands got shaky again, which Alex noticed immediately. He took it upon himself to thread their fingers together, he was learning quite quickly that that made John calm down, at least a little bit. 

John looked up at his siblings with a pained expression, ‘what didn’t they understand’, he thought to himself. Their father was a ruthless man and every single one of them knew that. Getting any of them involved with John’s boyfriend was a bad idea. Especially this one. 

The moment that the name Alexander Hamilton left his lips John knew that it was going to be rough. 

Maybe his dad could forget the past lives for a moment and realize that Alex was a college student who was trying his best, even if he hadn’t cooled down at all. Literally not at all.

James spoke up, “Fine whatever, but you better tell us everything!” 

John had to chuckle a little at his younger brother’s excitement, it made him want to forget all about their father. And wasn’t that the idea in the first place. He didn’t want to waste any time worrying about their father when he could be having conversations about what was new in his younger siblings’ lives. That’s what he went to the coffee shop for.   
“Where do I start,” John turned to Alex who had been oddly quiet, which was very weird for him.

Alex took the hint that this was his time to speak, “Well I sort of met John because he was in the dorm next to mine and then I saw him at this coffee shop. This girl who works here, Eliza, berated me for the longest time to just talk to him. During all of this I didn’t even know that I was a reincarnate.”

All of them gasped at that, “But you’re in college, you didn’t know?” Martha asked. It was a solid question, one that Alex had been asking himself constantly if he was being honest. There were so many signs and similarities, he was just too unfocused to realize.

“Yeah, it was kind of weird. I finally found out one day with John’s help,” Alex glanced in John’s direction. The whole finding out thing wasn’t the best. It should have been so much better but he was also Alexander Hamilton so life was always taking turns for the worst. 

“I got to meet my old friends from my past life and then, I’ll admit it took us awhile, but me and John settled things. The rest is history.” Alex finally looked up from his coffee to look at the other’s expressions. None of them seemed that intrigued, which terrified Alex.

Henry rolled his eyes, “You’ve got to be kidding. What about the details!? Have you guys h-”

Martha immediately realized where Henry’s mind was going and was quick to cover his mouth with her hand. “What is wrong with you Harry!? You don’t ask those things!” 

If the two men’s faces weren’t red before they were scarlet now, both refusing to look at anyone and desperately trying to seem interested in whatever they had decided to stare at.

The table was quiet for a moment and the only sounds came from people ordering coffee and the other chitter chatter of the other patrons. 

“Does this mean that you’re gonna get married?” Mary chimed in. Mary was only eight and the filter between her brain and her mouth was still almost nonexistent. Which caused questions like that to come out. She was only a kid though so nobody could really blame her. 

John stuttered a bit, “I-I thi-think its a li-little to early to ah to say that Polly,” he was not going to think about that for a long time. Both of them were only in college, then there was the fact that John didn’t even know if they were going to last. Sure they had a lot of history, but just because it almost worked back then didn’t mean that it was going to completely work now. Then there was Alex’s thoughts which John had no idea how Alex thought about marriage. Was it even an option? John didn’t want to think about that, he was twenty and had a long life ahead of him this time. That was unless somebody decided to kill him again but John really hoped that wouldn’t be the case, again.

Alex had basically turned into a sputtering mess next to him, “Yeah! Ye-yeah its only been a few months after all…” He trailed off. Alex wanted that so bad, the world could tell him he was being an idiot and that he was acting too recklessly, but let’s all be honest with ourselves when had he ever not acted recklessly? He tried to push it to the back of his mind even though he was highly aware that he would be thinking about that certain thought for a long time.

“But don’t you love each other?” Bless Polly’s heart, John thought. The kid was right, they really did love each other, but how do you explain to a clueless eight year old that just because people loved each other that didn’t mean that they were getting married.

Marth swooped in to save the day once again, “Mary I’m sure that if your brother were to get married he would tell us,” John didn’t miss the side glance that he got, it almost scared him with how much intensity was behind that glance. He gulped, “And besides both of them are right it's a little early for something as big as that.”

Mary may not have completely understood why her brother wasn’t going to marry Alex, but she nodded along any way. 

The conversation continued for a few more hours. John got to learn all about how his father was pestering not only Martha but also Henry about college, which in turn John continued to urge Henry to try and enjoy highschool and to stop listening to their father. James was apparently having a fantastic time in middle school, eighth grade seemed to be a breeze for him. Although John had to hear in detail about the girl that he liked. Middle school relationships were a mistake but if it made his brother happy he would allow it.

Then there was Mary who talked at a mile a minute but John wouldn’t miss it for the world. Hearing her still be so filled with utter joy and happiness was a blessing, that meant that Henry Laurens (the senior, Henry Jr. was a sweet kid) still hadn’t turned all his kids cynical. 

Before long it was time for everyone one to go, time really did fly when you’re having fun. There were a few tears as John departed from his siblings, hugs were dragged out in a desperate attempt to just stay with each other for one moment more. 

As John and Alex walked back to their dorm hand in hand there was little conversation. Alex knew that John could only be thinking about what his siblings were going to endure when they got back, Alex just kept him grounded with the heat of his palm radiating onto John’s. 

Alex could only think about the questions that all of them had asked. There was one he really didn’t want to think about, but then there was one that he knew was going to give him both the best dreams and the worst nightmares.

He looked over at John, with a blush across his face from the cold and freckles seemingly covering every inch of his face, and he thought with a smile ‘this is enough for now’.


	19. So This Is It

It was May twenty-seventh and Alex never thought he would be so upset about the school year ending.

His first year at university had been rough to say the least. Sure he had met some of the best people that he could only dream of meeting, he finally understood who he really was, on top of all of that he walked out of it with a super amazing, awesome, and perfect boyfriend. What more could he ask for. 

But even though he had all of those wonderful things school was still school. It was hard and Alex had spent many sleepless nights wondering if he would pass his next exam. He was Alexander Hamilton, he pulled through despite it all (and sure John did have to forcibly pull him into bed sometimes) he made it out to the other side. 

Then again he was only a freshman and it was only bound to get harder and harder as he continued in his college career, that was something that he would have to worry about later though; when school finally started back up in the fall. 

There was still one pressing matter that Alex had refused to think about though, and it was very important. 

He laid on John’s bare mattress, having already packed away his sheets, John was packing up a few smaller things and was almost ready to leave. “Where are you going?”

It was a simple question but Alex hadn’t had the guts to ask it. The situation between John and his father hadn’t gotten any better over the months, he wasn’t able to go to   
Christmas with his family and had stayed with a couple of their friends over break. Their friend group was pretty open to letting John drift through and sleep on their couches.   
John halted for a moment, a textbook in hand waiting to be put in its bag, “I’m staying with Laf,” he turned to Alex and flashed a smile, “Turns out that even in this life Laf’s loaded with cash.”

Alex’s eyebrows furrowed, besides the outing of who his father was nobody really talked about their parents. Of course Alex knew all about John’s current parental situation but that was about it. 

“What do you mean?” Alex asked, sitting up and looking over at his boyfriend.

John laughed to himself which only confused Alex farther, “I’m not surprised you don’t know, but Laf got adopted by the Washingtons.” 

Alex sat silently, his jaw hanging open, this caused John to laugh even harder. “You’re kidding me! The Washingtons, as in General George Washington?!” 

“Yeah Lexi,” John turned back to packing his few remaining things, a smile still present on his face. 

Alex didn’t even blush at the nickname this time, it had become a common occurrence for John to call him that. He could only flop back down onto the mattress as he stared at the ceiling dumbfounded. Very quietly he let out, “My surrogate father is alive again and I was too dumb to ask.” 

John put his bag on the ground and walked over to the bed, where he too went and laid on, “Not dumb, maybe just a little caught up in some other things.”

The two turned to look at eachother, stupid smiles plastered on both of their faces. Giggles escaped from the two men, soon enough laughter filled the room.

“I love being caught up with you.” John said, his hand cupping Alex’s left cheek.

“You sappy fool, I love you.”

This caused enough fit of laughter to escape from John, “Only for you idiot.” John closed his eyes as he leaned in to plant a kiss on Alex’s lips. Alex wasn’t as surprised about it this time around, dating a person for nine months can do that to a person. 

As Alex and John were entranced with each other one very loud French person decided to barge into the room.

“OH, am I interrupting something?” The two men groaned a little at the breaking of their little scene. 

“Don’t worry nothings happening.”

“Well I wouldn’t call it nothing Lexi.” Alex stood up from the bed and threw John a little glare, although there was barely any venom behind it. “Fine fine, I’ll shut up. You ready?” Alex nodded and picked up a few of John’s boxes. 

Alex had already moved his stuff out earlier and had opted to help John with anything that he needed, it was also a major plus because that meant that he could have some uninterrupted time with his boyfriend. Well at least it was supposed to be uninterrupted, but a certain someone had decided to ruin that.

“Good mon amis (my friends), now time to pack the car up,” Lafayette left the room holding a few things and John followed them closely behind. Alex stayed back a little bit. He turned from his spot at the doorway and looked into the now empty dorm. 

He sighed, this room and the one next to it harbored so many memories. Memories of rushed confessions and half baked plans. Of seeing his friends stay up late watching whatever trashy movie they had decided to put on that night. Of being held in strong arms as he wiped his tears on a cotton t-shirt. Take-out meals, too long study dates, a person he had forgotten, a person he had become.

Two people finding each other after two hundred years apart, longing that one day they could see one another just once more. 

Alex was really going to miss it, with everything that had happened in these two rooms you’d think that he could never leave them, but he knew that next year it would be a new dorm room. It could even be a new dorm building entirely, but there would be new memories. He made a silent promise to himself that he would never forget his freshman year at Columbia, it was far too precious. 

With one more look over the place to see if they had missed anything, in actuality it had been to make sure that the picture of the room stayed in his mind, he walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

It felt like closing a chapter of his life, like Alex was simply moving on, but he knew that there was no moving on. This wasn’t moving on in the slightest, this was Alex moving forward. He had been doing it his entire life and this would just be another time that it happened. 

He saw John waiting for him a little ways down the hallway, a small grin on his face. He looked a little sad too, as if he was also realizing that things could be drastically different next year, but it was John.

Alex smiled right back at him and walked a little faster to catch up. “What were you doing back there? Had to admire the view.”

“Something like that.”

The walk down to the car wasn’t that far, especially when you factored in the elevator. 

What Alex was not expecting though was one George Washington standing before him, he had almost dropped the boxes that he was carrying he was that surprised. Seeing Alex’s reaction was priceless for everyone involved, excluding Alex of course. 

“Gen-General Washington!” 

Washington let out a sigh of relief, “I’m happy you recognized me Hamilton. I do wish we were meeting on different terms though, I would have appreciated it much more if Gilbert had told me you were coming beforehand.” Lafayette looked away in the distance, pretending that they had not heard a word as they began to put the things they were carrying into the trunk of the car. 

“Its a great pleasure to get to meet you again sir, I wish I knew that you were her sooner but someone never told me,” Alex glanced back at John who was too pulling a Lafayette and pretending that he was completely innocent. 

“Its alright son, I’m glad to hear that you’re doing well. Gilbert loves to talk about all of their friends.” 

Alex blushed a little at the praise, apparently that had still refused to quit. “I am, thank you.” 

“I hate to cut this short, but I have a meeting soon. I would love to get to see you again though Alexander.” 

Alex’s brain short circuited a little but, “A-as would I sir. It was great seeing you again.”

With that Washington had said a goodbye and walked to the car, getting into the driver’s seat. As Alex stood trying to process all that had happened in the few short minutes that he was there John waltzed over to him. 

“This is goodbye then.” John’s eyes looked a little red and Alex would be lying if he said that he didn’t see a few tears threatening to spill out. 

“Not forever though, only a little bit.” Alex grabbed onto John’s hand, “I’ll still text you everyday and be forewarned I will facetime and call you constantly.”

John let out a teary chuckle, “I’m counting on it.”

There was a moment of silence, then John pulled Alex against his chest and wrapped his arms around the smaller man, “I love you Alexander.”

Alex sighed for what felt the millionth time that day and wrapped his arms around John’s neck, looking up at the other, “I love you too Johnathon.”

“That’s still not my name.”

“It needed more syllables.”

John leaned in to kiss Alex but a hand stopped him, “Not in front of the General.”

John pouted a little, “I don’t care who sees at this point.”

Alex thought about it for a quick moment and finally gave in, letting John press his lips against Alex’s, ‘this is heaven’. Before too long it was time to part again though neither could bear to let the other go. 

“Guess this is goodbye.” John said once more.

“Yeah.” 

John wrapped Alex in another gut wrenching hug but Alex let it happen, he needed it too.

With one last squeeze from Alex’s hand John walked away and got into the backseat of Washington's car. Alex waved goodbye as the car pulled away and out of the parking lot. 

It was going to be hard; he knew that, nothing in Alex’s life came easy. The mark on his wrist burned a little but Alex let it be, the slight pain being a reminder that John was   
real, this was all real. 

He was Alexander Hamilton, reincarnate, and he had the world’s most wonderful boyfriend that he would never forget.


	20. Epilogue: Seven Years Later

Alex and John sat in the Schuylers coffee shop, because that’s where all good things happened and both men could attest to that. Both of them had graduated from Columbia, John first and Alex the year after, the two men had worked extremely hard to pass all their classes.

Though Alex still continued to go above and beyond in everything that he did.

Alex had finally been able to meet Washington properly again, he had gone over with John for a ‘family’ dinner. Martha still doted on him as though he was a child but Alex wouldn’t have it any other way.

Over the past seven years Alex had only gotten closer with the rev set. They were still all stuck on calling themselves that even though Jefferson had complained every single time one of them said it. 

Six years felt like they flew by, Alex had just finished law school and was already trying his best to make a name for himself. He was still soft when it came to cases that involved kids because those had hit a little too close to home almost every time. 

John was making a name for himself in the art world and had even had a few of his pieces set up in some pretty famous galleries. Alex couldn’t be prouder of his boyfriend.

“So would you finally tell me what your mark is! I’ve been asking for years and somehow you’ve always been evading the question. You know mine.”

John just rolled his eyes, “I know yours by accident.”

Alex pouted and took another sip of his coffee. “It’s still no fair.”

“Fine.”

Alex’s eyes lit up and he almost spit out his coffee, “You’re serious! All I had to do was pout some more and you would have shown me!” John chuckled. “Well tell me!!!” Alex shouted out.

“Well I’m not going to show you but I’ll tell you,” Alex’s mind wandered a bit but he tried to remain focused on the conversation that was happening before him.

“It’s a turtle on my hip.”

If Alex wasn’t surprised before then this caused a whole new level of amazement. “What.”

John put his face in his hands, “I told you it was stupid but you didn’t believe me.”

“So….Is it like a specific turtle or just?” 

“Its that stupid drawing that I did,” 

Alex had to laugh at that one, who knew that one drawing that John did, out of the collection that he created, would become his mark. Alex tried to speak although he was still laughing pretty hard, “I mean it is, it is pretty funny though.”

John just rolled his eyes again, “Laugh all you want.”

The conversation continued for a few more minutes until Alex stood up, “I’m gonna head to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a sec.”

John knew that this was his chance, he glanced over at the counter where Peggy was standing and giving him a thumbs up. It was all going according to plan, well if you could even call it a plan.

John picked up Alex’s coffee cup and placed a small object underneath it.

Now all he had to do was wait. That was easy.

But apparently it was not because when Alex came back all he did was talk, John still loved to hear Alex talk it didn’t matter what it was about, but right now all he wanted was for Alex to take another sip of his coffee.

John was going to strangle his boyfriend if he didn’t do it soon.

Then the moment came, Alex picked up the cup and saw a metallic glint from underneath it. He set his coffee down next to it and he couldn’t believe what he saw. 

A silver ring lay on the table in front of him, a few tiny diamonds inlaid throughout the band. He looked up to meet John’s gaze who seemed very nervous.

“So?”

Alex picked up the ring, “Really?”

That’s when John’s heart sunk, he knew that it was a stupid idea and that he should have thought about it more but he found the ring and the perfect person to give it to. He couldn’t stop himself. 

Alex held the ring up to John, “You’re going to ask me with a ‘so’, you’re going to have to try a lot harder than that.”

John let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, thank every god that it wasn’t total rejection.

He plucked the ring from Alex’s fingers and got down on one knee next to his chair.

“Alexander Hamilton. You are the most amazing wonderful person in the entire universe, probably even the multiverse. When I saw you for the first time my heart stopped because I couldn’t believe that after all these years apart I finally found you again. I know that I’m an idiot, but I’m your idiot. Would you do me the honor of not only being my boyfriend but also my husband?”

Alex stood up and pulled John up with him, who was sort of confused at this point. “Well who could say no to that.” 

Both of them smiled like idiots as they met in the middle for a kiss.

Alex was looking forward to his future this time around, he had learned a lot from his past life lessons and he wasn’t giving up this time.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, so like I said in the tags I'm new here. This fic is actually finished on wattpad but I decided that I would also cross post it here :)


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